How To Never Be Shy Again (For Introverts)
Three years ago I was triggered.
Walking back to my car I was shocked at my reaction in class.
It was in one of those big auditorium classes with 300+ people. The professor was giving a brief description of the difference between extroverts and introverts.
“Extroverts are louder, more social and introverts are shy”.
A noise escaped my throat, which sounded like a combination of a “no!” and a gulp. Looking at the student next to me writing notes: “introvert = shy”.
I was furious. Triggered completely.
Being a very proud introvert this did not go over smoothly.
The Current Narrative
I coach a lot of high-performing introverted men and to this day I’m shocked at the picture of success they have accepted to be true.
Most introverts unconsciously have this idea of what it takes to become ‘successful’.
Success? Well, you must be the life of the party. Loud. Talking to everyone.
So, wanting to be this ideal version of ‘success’, the introvert tries to model this behavior.
The truth of the matter: no matter how great I am at writing with my left hand, I’m still a righty at heart.
Some introverts are shy, some extroverts are shy. Men are shy. Women are shy.
If you consider yourself to be shy, this article will eradicate it for the rest of your life.
1. Never ever do this again
From now on, never say any variation of the following:
“I’m just a shy person” “I’ve always been this way” “I can’t do that I’m shy”.
The easiest way to change is through your self-image and identity. James Clear wrote a great article about identity level change here.
If you believe you are the person that is shy, then you will have shy behavior.
If you believe you are the person that is confident in social environments, then you will be.
Read Psycho-Cybernetics for more on the psychology of self-image.
2. Distinction between Shy and Introverted
Here is a quote explaining what introversion is from Personality Hacker genius founder Antonia Dodge:
“Introverts, the inner world is the ‘real world’. For Extraverts, the external world is the ‘real world’. This is why Introverts will pause slightly before they speak, as if they’re making sure their words first resonant internally before they put it out ‘to the world’. Extraverts are the opposite — they’ll often speak while they’re thinking, as if hearing it outside of themselves helps them determine the value or truth of their own statement.”
Now, here is the definition of being shy: “being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people.”
They are not the same thing, and just because you are introverted does NOT mean you are shy.
3. Feeling shy vs. Being shy
It’s nothing to self-shame about. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to people and that’s okay as long as you are okay with it.
Feeling shy is perfectly okay. Being a shy PERSON is not.
Shyness is just a signal to yourself that you are just not comfortable in the environment right now.
4. Feel comfortable
If you notice yourself feeling ‘shy’, then make a conscious shift in your body language:
- Open your body language, chest, legs and arms
- Relax your jaw (put your tongue at the top of your mouth to do this)
- Relaxed body, relaxed mind. Relaxed mind, relaxed body.
- Breathe through your belly and exhale while mouthing ‘let go’
- Change the picture in your head (imagine everyone as little kids on a playground)
- Choose empowering self-talk and say it with intensity
- Label it. “I’m noticing I feel shy right now” allows you to separate from this energy and the ability to do something about it.
5. Distinction between Quiet and Shy
As an introvert, one of your greatest strengths is silence. Choosing to be quiet but knowing that you have the confidence to do whatever you want to.
One thing I constantly see in introverted men is that they put themselves down for being quiet.
Banish ALL self-criticism regarding your choice to be quiet. If you want to be silent, be silent and love every moment of it.
“You are the master of your unspoken words, but a slave to the words you have spoken.” — Winston Churchill
6. The root of shyness
You feel shy because of the fear of exposing yourself. The fear of judgment from others. The only way to get over it is to put yourself in situations where you will be judged.
Go to a busy street and ask for hugs. Fall down in front of a group of people. Stutter on purpose. Make yourself look stupid.
Whatever your fear is, create comfort zone challenges and eliminate it.
7. Become an expert communicator
If you were an expert in swimming and you saw a pool, there would be no fear about diving in. Same with social skills.
You must work consistently on having the best social skills in this entire universe. The more confidence you have in your ability to talk to people the less shy you will feel.
8. New beliefs
Mindset is everything.
If you think you are likeable then people will like you.
If you see people as being friendly and welcoming, that will be your reality.
The way to install this into your brain is simple.
Every time you talk to someone new and it goes well, take 30 seconds to re-affirm the belief (just like I did with the free hugs sign).
Beliefs need proof. Every time someone was nice to you is just further proof for your case.
“People ARE awesome. People ARE friendly, mind, didn’t you see what just happened? People are so friendly.” Is the self-talk you want to immerse into.
9. You are value and you are growing in value
You are value now because you are a human being.
That by itself is enough. You are enough. There is nothing you have to do in order to be more enough.
You are 10000000% enough in this exact moment.
You understand this and consistently build your own value at the same time. You workout, develop social skills, and focus on contributing and making an impact.
10. Focus outward
Shy people constantly focus all their attention on themselves. It’s very selfish and it propels you further and further down the hole of self-consciousness.
Keep all your attention on the person in front of you. Focus intently on their facial expressions and features. Focus on the appreciation you have for this person in front of you.
You choose what you focus on. Choose to focus on something outside of yourself and you will quickly fizzle all shyness from your system.
11. Mental movies and rehearsals
Take time to visualize you interacting with other people. How your ideal self would communicate with others. Visualize people enjoying your company, liking you as a person and being friendly.
This is your mental movie, keep this image fresh in your mind everyday.
The next step is to practice (rehearse) the events. Find a quiet place in your room or with friends and act like that person you visualized.
It might sound weird but talk to the mirror as if you were your ideal self. That charismatic, confident person that’s already inside of you.
12. Join The Bold Wolves Project
This program is the indoctrination to our community for introverted men.
Wolves is our introvert archetype.
Boldness is how we choose to live our life.
It’s crucial to find an empowering community of people that are creators at the highest level. It’s a lot harder to be shy when you are around fully self-expressive people.
Thank you for reading.