I cried this morning.
They were tears from the depth of my soul.
I had just told a friend of mine to join a tech company because the company had a team of smart people that are solving an important problem. My friend is smart and has a knack for solving technical problems. The company and my friend were a perfect match.
I couldn’t say I’d fit into the company because I don’t consider myself great technically. I had this deep sense of inadequacy. I felt I wasn’t good enough.
I cry as I write this, because almost every day for the past 330 days I have invested an average of 4 hours per day to grow as a software developer. Yet I feel inadequate, incompetent.
I see great work; quality work I admire. I see people I look up to and admire the way they think, how they go about solving problems; traits I desire. I work very hard to make progress, to become the people I admire. Times like today, I feel all my effort has been futile, that’ll never be able to produce work I admire. That’ll never be good enough, that I’m simply moving around in circles.
I put my heart into my work, give it my 100%. Yet today, I feel being great technically would always be beyond me, that I am incapable.
I am in a room full of people, and I cry. I hope they don’t see my tears, because I don’t know how I’ll explain these tears. I have no words, only this article. I want to lay in bed all day and cry my heart out, to let the pain fill my body and mind.
I could have waited till the end of the month to share this with you, but I feel by then I’d be back to my optimistic and hopeful self. In retrospect, it’ll be just another moment of reflection and I’d have gotten over it. I won’t have been able to capture the depth of my emotion.
So today I cry and share my moment of pain with you.