An Open Letter To My CEO
talia jane

I’m going to do you one better than honouring your 21st century interpretation of standing on a street corner begging - I’m going to give you an education on some things that you apparently are not aware of.

  1. you don’t “work in technology”. You aren’t a tech worker. You are (or rather, were) a customer support representative for a tech company. That means you work in retail services support. You are no more a tech worker than the janitor. This is an important distinction, because the CEO of Yelp didn’t pay 300 million dollars for you - not in any capacity. The CEO of Yelp paid 300 million dollars for an application stack and directory created by tech workers and more specialized employees. These are harder to acquire - CSR’s are a dime a dozen.
  2. YOU chose to move to the most expensive city in America in order to take a low-wage, no-skill position with the long-term goal of making a career “making cat memes and food jokes on Twitter” (as though that’s a real career). Nobody forced you to. Nobody forced you to take out a load of debt to move there to take a nothing job. And it’s not Yelp’s problem that you have daddy issues that you felt you needed to resolve by making a series of bad decisions.
  3. Apparently, you ignored everybody who attempted to warn you that a degree in “English Lit” is 4 years spent studying a vocationally useless discipline. You aren’t noble because you didn’t do what most other quasi-unemployable people do and hide behind the walls of academia - you were foolish for that. If you wanted to be “work in technology”, perhaps you should have studied something useful like computer science or operations. A vocationally useless degree might as well make you someone without a degree.
  4. YOU are the one who chose a flat that consumed 80% of your rent. The guy at CVS who you successfully conned out of 6 bucks likely makes no more than you do - he likely just lives within his means (which, in San Francisco, means roommates, perhaps lots of them)
  5. Do you realize how entitled you come off when you decry the company for not allowing you to take food home? News flash: Food at work is meant to entice employees to work longer, not just as a sunk expense because the company is so nice. Companies don’t exist to stock your pantry. See also, point 4
  6. “Making memes and Twitter jokes about food” is not a career. Do you honestly think that most people can actually get a career in something so utterly pointless? Wait, you’re a Millennial - of course you do.
  7. Waiting a year before switching departments is par for the course of any company. It’s to prevent excessive team hopping. Had you any work experience, you would know this.
  8. Did you seriously just try to complain about how our company “only” paid your entire premium for insurance? Oh waaah!, they don’t pay your co-pays as well. News flash, sweetheart, nobody does. And MOST companies don’t pay 100% of premiums. Again, you come off as an incredibly entitled little brat with this.
  9. Just because Yelp doesn’t hand you a trophy for deigning to show up and promotions every 6 hours doesn’t mean they didn’t “have your back”. You had an employment contract - one that you agreed to. They paid you for your services as you agreed. Again, entitled.
  10. Your passive aggressiveness in attempting to blame Yelp for the fact that your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would (“I’m gonna make hundreds of thousands of dollars making Tweets!”) speaks volumes about your character - or lack thereof. Take some personal responsibility for your own decisions.
  11. You’re little more than a beggar; you realize that, right? By putting up a link asking complete strangers to subsidize your continued existence and lifestyle (and never-ending series of bad decision making) makes you no different than a homeless guy on the side of the road holding a sign saying “please give me money”. As a matter of fact, it makes you worse than that guy, because you’re doing it without even being willing to put yourself out there on display to serve as a cautionary tale. You’re doing it because you feel better than the sense of shame that comes with begging, you think you’re better than that, when you aren’t. It shows not only an extreme selfishness, but also a complete lack of self-awareness.
  12. You have the same problem most Millennials I’ve come across seem to have - you feel that you’re a unique little snowflake and that you are somehow entitled or that it’s a good idea to “poke the bear” by calling out captains of industry publicly in an effort to go “Me Me Me! Look at me!”, and you naively think that it’s going to work out well for you. You aren’t a snowflake. You aren’t unique. You aren’t highly skilled or highly sought after. Nobody is going to care if you are unhappy - you don’t represent a hard to replace worker. Apparently you were brought up to believe you were special and that the world cares if you’re unhappy. The world doesn’t work that way. Don’t worry, almost everyone in your generation is under the same mistaken belief.
  13. Lastly, unless you’re using a fake name and picture, you’ve just outed yourself to every hiring department that does background checks on potential employees (which is almost all the respectable ones) as a problem employee and one they should pass on. Somebody should have taught you that the internet is forever, and that you’ve just screwed yourself over an extended period of time going forward. But that’s par for the course for you, given your existing series of bad decisions.

In short, have some introspection. Realize that the failings in your life are yours, not somebody else’s. That nobody owes you anything and you aren’t going to get an award for showing up. Right now, you’re just another cliche Millennial who thinks you’re the centre of the universe and clearly aren’t prepared for real life. Work on that, and things will start to go better for you.

And stop begging. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking you’re entitled to the fruits of someone else’s labour. That you are so cavalier and unapologetic about that colours you as an incredibly poor excuse for a person.

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