My Dilemma

The Cicada

Always the last flower,

Sorry, last flower, yes,

But ever picked, no.

Why I started smoking some time ago,

Life wasn’t helping,

And I had to find a way to make it flow,

For this, I am so low,

I throw my life,

I know I have to undergo,

The smoking, I, only, know the reason for,

Like a dragon, I blow,

After, life seems slow.

Now every night,

Like a cicada,

Leaves his house,

Leaves with his chest feeling tight,

Elephant on his chest,

Compression,

In the house, they fight,

Hates himself,

Hates mirrors,

Hates bright,

Anything that treats him right,

He pushes away,

Adapted to the toxicity,

He runs away from being okay,

Being alright.

Out alone,

Midnight,

Light one up,

With no will to try to do anything,

His life is crumbling,

He keeps getting hit by epiphany,

Miserably lights another,

Sing to yourself,

Love sufficiency,

Filled with negativity,

One of the best actors,

Maskers,

Or maybe social invisibility,

He has malleability,

Malleable personality,

Yet, zero acceptability,

Mental deficiency,

No compatibility.

His eyes worn out,

Leaves,

Life takes the same route,

Impossible to reroute,

Lights a cigarette,

Filled with shame,

Eyes wet,

Eyes with another never met,

Staring at his shoes always,

Always upset,

Don’t let him fool,

Smoke, go down the hallways,

Smoke, life seems to have more ways,

Smoke, none of the doorways are yours,

Smoke, the headache cures,

Smoke, it helps endures,

Smoke, jump in the pool,

You can’t smoke underwater,

You can only suffocate,

You can only choke.

The Lab Rat

On his head drop rules,

Leave him to schools,

Bullied by the cruel,

Killed by the cruel,

Psychological damage,

Without your presence, to other kids, he is at a disadvantage,

He may think he’ll be able to manage,

Not aware of the damage,

Never raised a son,

He didn’t even turn out to be a girl,

Just a hollow human doll,

Failed human project,

Some lab rat you wanted to bring to life,

Your biological lab rat that had no reason to be suffering your consequences.

Why?

Why bring him to life when you weren’t planning on showing up?

Even when you never showed up,

He always was happy to see you,

The very few times you were there for him,

The very few times you bring up to guilt trip him,

You weren’t there so much,

To the point where the kid didn’t even know his full name,

‘Cause of your shouting,

‘Cause of your loud noises,

Outside he seems tame,

But inside him lies a flame,

Behind his closed lips,

Grinding teeth,

He never blamed you, nor anyone,

He was ashamed of himself for how you treated him,

Blamed himself for being born,

Never blaming what’s around him,

Even though he was the one acted upon,

“But I must’ve done something wrong, they wouldn’t do that for no reason, right?”

No, they are just sick people,

Sick people who cannot face the fact that they are sick,

They care only about the pleasure of it to themselves,

And never the pain to you,

They see the pain,

But they just wouldn’t want to care,

“We’re too young to stay with you, let me live my life.”

“Okay, but please come back.”

Not okay,

They brought you here,

Inflict pain and leave,

Gray child,

If I had the chance to see you as who I am right now,

I would shoot you dead,

Shoot you out of mercy.

Silent

In silence, he eats,

In silence, he watches people talking,

In silence, he starts talking to them,

In silence, they don’t really reply to him,

In silence, they keep talking, keep talking over him,

Because of you,

He cannot communicate well,

Because of you,

He is always just stalking,

Because of you,

People he stopped calling,

Because of you,

People see him as lame and boring,

Because of you,

Their faces he is crossing,

Because of you,

He doesn’t feel belonging,

Because of you,

He started smoking,

Because of you,

He is crawling and coughing,

Because of you,

He doesn’t take care of himself, ‘cause he now believes he doesn’t deserve care,

Doesn’t deserve care or love,

Because of you.

Bellyaches,

Headaches,

Everything he does is fake,

Robotic,

Plastic,

From above staring at the lake,

Hates being awake,

Fears sleeping,

Hates being alive,

Fears dying,

He doesn’t wanna die young,

But his soul is drying,

In silence,

In sorrow he was already drowning.

Talking Inability

Insects on me,

Weird fishes eating me,

New people he tries to meet,

He cannot get the stink off,

They leave,

Stinking of rusting burdens,

The cigarette burns,

Love the feeling,

Hate the feeling,

Cry about it,

No one’s getting near you,

You’re addicted to it,

Not nicotine,

But your comfort,

The comfort of being depressed,

Been too long,

You cannot be helped.

‘Cause of their oppression,

And their selfish reasons why to not act in separation,

My feeling’s suppression,

Issues is the suppressor,

All introduced me,

All pointed to that direction,

The only thing I was gifted with love,

Depression.

Eyes worn out,

Eye bags to the floor,

Every step,

Kills every surrounding flower,

‘Cause of the starvation,

‘Cause of the weird fishes and insects,

Lies no flesh,

Just a bag of bones,

Failure bonds,

The memories,

The pains.

Why bring him here if you weren’t going to offer the bowls?

For every word said, he is made fun of,

Close your mouth,

It’s not worth talking now,

They’ll cut you,

They’ll hurt you,

You’ll hurt you,

You’ll cut you,

What you have to say will forever be unheard,

Deeply injured,

Bottle it up,

Many questions unanswered,

Never uttered,

Not even one word was heard,

Not armored,

Just inapproachable,

Spikes out his back.

Hedgehog’s Dilemma

So cold,

All alone,

He doesn’t understand,

Unanswered missed calls in his phone,

Anyone trying to get to him bleeds,

“Hey, are you okay? You seemed a bit quiet.”

He stares,

His ears covered with blades,

Overgrown from his back,

No longer feeling the blues,

Just the grays,

All of them talking about their futures,

About what cars they’re planning on buying,

You wanna feel the warmth too,

They ask,

“Hey, what car are you planning on getting?”

Don’t feel the warmth,

It’ll hurt you,

It’ll hurt them,

Remember the scars,

The scars on your body,

Your arms,

Soon enough,

Your face.

Avoid interaction,

Avoid eye contact,

Avoid talking,

Not like you know how to anyway,

Be quiet,

Silent,

Your voice annoys them,

Your face disgusts them,

Why should you exist?

Why should you live?

You shouldn’t.

It’s getting too cold,

Your chest feels compressed,

Hug someone,

Feel human,

Feel it,

Feel bad about it after,

“Why did I ask for a hug, am I really that desperate?”

Starting from tomorrow,

Just smile,

Just smile and tell them that you feel fine,

That your life is okay,

That you are mentally stable,

Do not burden them like your parents did to you,

Everyone deserves warmth,

You are cold,

You’ll make them feel colder,

You are now never influenced just an influence.

You look like them,

You look at the sharp edge,

You look back in the mirror,

Your eyes are ugly,

Deformed,

Cut it out,

Your lips,

Cut it out,

Cheeks and nose,

Scars,

Scars,

Scars,

Look at their skin,

So perfect,

Look at their faces,

So beautiful,

The way they laugh,

The way they talk,

The way they bond,

“So warm.”

Yes,

But you’ll hurt them,

Freeze them.

I want to talk

Cockroaches on me,

Darkness behind me,

Everyone light,

Everyone bright,

Please don’t leave me,

Everyone walking away,

Slowly,

Slowly walking away as you watch,

Please don’t leave me,

I don’t like the dark very much,

Please, I want to talk,

No one cares,

Candles blown out,

Of you everyone’s ashamed,

Please, I want to be heard,

Bad publicity you are,

Water’s rising,

Please don’t leave me,

I hate the water,

Please, I’ll talk,

Surrounded by clouds,

Please don’t leave me,

I am scared of heights,

Please don’t leave me,

I don’t have wings,

Please don’t push me away,

I’ll fall,

You’re pushing yourself.

Failed Suicidal

Watched them get married,

Once,

Twice,

Thrice,

And you were never picked,

By no man,

By no woman,

Not even boys who liked flowers,

You’re not a man,

Not a woman,

Not a human,

You watched,

You were never invited,

Just stalked,

From afar watched,

One-eyed half-broken body,

With no soul,

A cigarette in your mouth,

Now watch their grandchildren get married,

You attend their funerals,

“Why am I not dead yet?”

Damned turtle,

Damned mortal,

Each day, one of them dies,

And you attend from afar,

Watch their peers cry,

Cry and talk about how good they were,

They have two eyes,

But you are invisible.

The results of the inhumane torture,

Inhumane torture you went through,

Psychological torture,

“Why was I never picked?”

Look at yourself,

Not even the devil messed with you.

Walk back to your house,

No one’s here,

There never was,

Walk over the packs of cigarettes,

Walk over to your depressing,

Depressing, dark room,

“I hate myself.”

Yes, hate yourself,

“I hate myself.”

He starts crying,

“I hate myself.”

Always did,

“Now even more.”

Finally,

“Why am I like this?”

He is screaming out his lungs,

Smashing his TV screen,

Throws the table across the room,

“My body hurts!”

“Why do I have to go through this?”

Somber little soul,

Glances at the gun,

Puts it in his mouth,

“Damn you, God! Damn you!”

Ties the knot to his neck,

Jumps off,

Drowns,

Pulls the trigger,

“I hate myself!”

End me.