Cari’s Right Foot
Larry of Gaza, Protector of the Faithful, Pharaoh of the Scorpions of Egypt, led the Scorpions through good and bad, with iron pincers in velvet gloves.
Larry of Gaza was honest and fair. In battle his tail was undefeated. Everyone in his kingdom believed that he was wise beyond his years.
After fifty years of rule, he passed his scepter and crown to his son and tried to live in quiet retirement. However, by day two Larry grew so bored that he decided to travel.
He spent some time in China, where he learned seven styles of Kung Fu. He meandered for a while longer, until at last he found himself in a place called Reno, somewhere in the United States of America.
It was here that he found his greatest nemesis.
Cari of Mammoth was the mistress of the house, and she ran a very tight ship. She had three teen-aged children by which she had gained a level of fearlessness that chilled him to the tips of his eight legs.
Her weapons were horrifying! He had never seen such a masterful use of weaponry. The night after his arrival Larry learned that the Ant Queen was in a food dispute with Cari of Mammoth and had declared war. She sent ten thousand of her personal Elite Guard.
Cari of Mammoth caught wind of the attack. She had seen scout ants advancing on her french toast with fresh strawberries bought at the farmers market the day before. That is when she brought out her lethal weapon. She even named it. Cari of Mammoth, with Raid held proudly in her right hand attacked the Elite Guard. Two thousand died before they could even form into a line of battle. Four hundred thousand Dust Mites who came just to watch also perished and a Black Widow in the room next door was ill for three days after.
Larry of Gaza vowed to bring her down. So he watched and waited and learned until at last he implemented Operation Scary Cari.
He had chosen good ground. The hallway. At twenty-thirty hours and eleven seconds he engaged with the enemy. His first strike was her soft underbelly. The arch of her right foot.
Taken by complete surprise, Cari leaped into the air and screamed.
A leap when frightened is an odd thing. Most humans are not symmetrical — one leg is too short, the hips sometimes are not square.This tends to make you leap to the right or left. But Cari had perfect posture, and as a result her glide path was identical to her launch trajectory.
Larry was more then surprised by her bold counter attack, but he was prepared from all the Kung Fu he had learned in China. He quickly took the Stingfutz stance and up to three seconds before the impact from her return to earth, Larry was convinced that he had won the day.
I mentioned the three seconds because four years later Larry’s therapist hypnotized him in order to get to the bottom of his amnesia. Even under hypnosis he could not recall her final blow. However, he left the session feeling much better. He really thought that he had tried to kill a Mac truck and now, at the very least, he knew that it was a human he had tangled with. It was still baffling, but fighting with a human was more acceptable than a Mac Truck.
Larry now lives at Lake Topaz as was recommended by his therapist. The Piute scorpions adopted him as one of their own as is the nature of the Piute tribes. They affectionately call him Mac Truck Larry.
Cari of Mammoth, AKA Benefactor of the College Student and Stomper of Larry rules her house with an Iron Foot in a cashmere sock. The insects have now learned to give her a wide berth.
PART TWO — BLACK SNEAKERS
Larry of Gaza loved his friends in the Topaz Tribe, and well, who wouldn’t? He thoroughly enjoyed midnight ice chest raids and scaring the wits out of the tourists. There’s nothing like a good dash across a sleeping human’s face to lift the spirit.
But Larry wanted revenge for his defeat by Cari of Mammoth. Granted, he did not remember her or her name but he knew that it was a human that landed on him and made him lose his memory. So he waited for word of a worthy foe.
By the last week of August 2008 they began to hear rumors of a war that had broken out just north of Reno. A new weapon had been unleashed there and they called it Glowing Death. Thirty scorpions had perished in a two-week period. Brad the Hideous was what they called the master of this weapon.
By mid-September Larry said farewell to his friends and set out to fulfill his destiny. It took him a year to reach the fortress of Brad the Hideous. Larry did pause in Genoa for a month to soak in the hot springs, but by late August of 2009 he stood on the perimeter of the killing fields. Brad the Hideous’s weapon was nothing more then a blacklight and a can of Raid. The blacklight caused the scorpions to glow.
Larry decided to waste no time and at 11:30 p.m. he dashed across no-man’s-land and got into the fortress.
Monica was the first person he encountered. She had just gotten out of the shower, put on a T-shirt and stepped out of the bathroom. Larry charged her but as soon as he saw her foot every fiber of his body froze. It was a woman’s foot that had brought him down. At the critical moment he lost his nerve. Monica, who was ever vigilant for scorpions, caught sight of him and yelled for Brad who was already in bed. He came out and asked her where “it” was. She pointed at Larry, and Brad asked where the Bug Glass was. She turned and pointed and in that moment Larry got his wits and realized that he had to make a run for it.
Brad grabbed the glass and the blacklight and did a quick pass up and down the hallway leading to the front door. But Larry had vanished and Brad told Monica that he was gone. Monica would have none of it, and told Brad that they were not going to bed until he was found. She also insisted that Brad put on some sandals at the very least. Brad grudgingly put on his black tennis shoes and set about looking for the intruder, soon finding Larry on a picture frame leaning against the wall. Brad put down the glass and grabbed the Raid. At this point Larry now realized that he was seeing Brad the Hideous. His moment was now at hand…
There stood Brad the Hideous in the battle gear of his ancestors. Just like a 9th-century Scottish Pict, Brad was stark naked, with the exception of his black sneakers. This gave Larry the impression that Brad the Hideous was unafraid of injury, but what caused Larry to freeze at yet another critical moment was the sight of Brad’s lily-white beer belly and all the things that dangled beneath it. Brad grabbed the picture and whisked it out onto the front porch, Monica following close behind with her flashlight. Brad put the picture down carefully and Monica knocked Larry off the frame with a broom and Brad gave him a quick blast with the lethal spray. And that brought the inglorious end to Larry of Gaza, defender of the faithful, retired King of the Scorpions of Egypt. Mac Truck Larry to his friends.
Brad looked up from the scorpion and there stood Monica in nothing more than sandals and a t-shirt, the porch light shining on her. Brad looked down at himself. Brad suddenly felt a little vulnerable despite his Celtic heritage.
“Let’s go to bed,” was all he could muster.
In the end it was not beauty that brought down the beast, though she gave the first blow. No, it was the awesome full frontal sight of Brad the Hideous.
