Q-Tip Fail & Lessons Learned Sharing a Bathroom with My Wife

Where was this diagram in health class?

I grew up in a house with two brothers. We shared a bathroom that was just for the boys. We had the basics: a toothbrush, toothpaste, a brush, some soap, some shampoo, and probably some acne cream at some point. We only needed the basics and I never remember having luxuries like a Q-Tip much else really.

Once I left home, not much changed. I didn’t need more than the basics. I am fairly certain that before I moved in with my wife, I had only walked by Sephora and saw signs for Ulta; Now I officially own a showroom.

I remember the first time I walked into my new bathroom, it was a bit of a shock to how much “stuff” is available. We have lotions and loofahs and balms and bombs and creams and conditioners and salts and scrubs and, well, the list goes on. There is a world of products that were not designed for me… and they had taken over my bathroom.

In this new bathroom world, I had access to many things, from scrubs to creams to conditioner at my disposal and I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I decided to start small. Very small. I decided I’d start with the Q-Tip and clean my ears. The result? To put it lightly, it was shocking what lives in your ears, especially after years of neglect. I had a new mission in life to ensure that my ears stayed clean.

The first and second and third time I cleaned my ears, I was alone. But it was the weekend and as I was cleaning, my wonderful wife walked in and started making fun of me. Apparently, I was doing it all wrong, putting it in too deep (that’s, quite literally, what she said). She (half jokingly) asked if I every learned how to use a Q-Tip… Of course not! Who teaches you how to use a Q-Tip?! I couldn’t possibly be doing it wrong, I quipped. How hard could it be?

Then of course, it happened. I woke up and my ear felt dirty… Why? I don’t know, but I went to the bathroom to clean it, still half asleep. I grabbed a trusty Q-Tip, stuck it in, twirled it around and it felt… funny. I pulled it out to inspect it (because what fun is cleaning out your ear without seeing the fruits of my labor), and… Nothing. The cotton ball that lives on the end of the Q-Tip is gone.

I quickly grab some tweezers (another instrument that I had only read about in books) and figured I could easily grab the cotton and pull it out. Attempt one? Fail. Attempt two? Fail. It’s time to suck up my pride and ask for help; This comes with a cost.


As the wife turns on the iPhone flashlight and grabs the tweezers, I get ready to a slice of cold humble pie. Instead, she pulls out… Nothing. The cotton ball has apparently lodged way back in the “no go zone”. I must have pushed it too far and it wasn’t coming out on it’s own.

Want More? Read: About The Day I Skipped the NFL Playoffs to Get a Mani

Time to search Google and see how much danger my eardrum is actually in. As with anything, the opinions varied widely from sudden deafness to no big deal. After hours of waffling, I decided to go to go to the doctor. The long and short of it? The cotton ball was no-where to be found into my ear. It apparently never had the ball. But I learned an important lesson; I had no idea how to use a Q-Tip properly. Oh, and there’s lot to be learned about the bathroom.

Luckily, the wife had plenty of additional advice and found a host of other problems to fix! And I’ve learned all kinds of things about the bathroom in a very short amount of time.

I have learned that I am “not a caveman” and I shouldn’t use my toothbrush as a tool.

I have learned that I don’t know how to blow my nose. Who would have known! Blowing your nose is a two hand activity, apparently, and my one hand nose blow is a tragedy waiting to happen.

I have learned that bath bomb that range from $6–15 from Lush are not a month supply, rather they are designed for one bath. Who knew?

I learned that growing up with a bunch of boys does not help me prepare for a life of a shared bathroom.

And I’ve learned that a small cotton ball should not be stuck haphazardly into your ear without understanding all the consequences. Because the $89 doctor bill and humiliation a Dr. finding nothing compared to the most feared words in the English language:


About the Author

I am Kyle. I think therefore I am. I used to write absolutely stellar internet dating profiles (they worked, therefore I am not allowed to write them anymore). My Passion? Making the world a better place. PS, I love Indianapolis.

Oh and follow me on Twitter & Facebook and visit www.yossariansname.com.

Originally published at www.yossariansname.com on February 22, 2016.