I know you want me to wear protection, but sorry, retailers, I just can’t. Unfortunately, they don’t make masks big enough for this massive rock-hard throbbing face.
You’ve probably seen me around before, maybe even whispered to your friends about me:
“Who is that guy?
“I don’t know, but look how big his hands are.”
“You know what they say about big hands: big, hot, sloppy face.”
I’m not trying to brag or anything, but usually, when I show other retail stores my face, they’re all like, “Oh my god! Your face is so big! I’ve never seen a face…
Your father will loop through all of the channels, slowly picking up speed with each lap. Depending on your parents’ leaning, your mother will passively blame Trump/Obama from the other room. Your father will have several false successes when he lands on an episode of The West Wing, a rerun of The Apprentice, and any station playing a Cialis commercial.
Dad will begin smacking the cable box, but his attempts to assert dominance over it will prove futile. Mom by this point has worked herself up into a frenzy and is fully ranting about, depending on your parents leaning, every…
Los Angeles based comedy writer. Published in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and Robot Butt.