Photo by Gregory Hayes on Unsplash

I know you want me to wear protection, but sorry, retailers, I just can’t. Unfortunately, they don’t make masks big enough for this massive rock-hard throbbing face.

You’ve probably seen me around before, maybe even whispered to your friends about me:

“Who is that guy?

“I don’t know, but look how big his hands are.”

“You know what they say about big hands: big, hot, sloppy face.”

I’m not trying to brag or anything, but usually, when I show other retail stores my face, they’re all like, “Oh my god! Your face is so big! I’ve never seen a face…

Photo by Rubenz Arizta on Unsplash


Your father will loop through all of the channels, slowly picking up speed with each lap. Depending on your parents’ leaning, your mother will passively blame Trump/Obama from the other room. Your father will have several false successes when he lands on an episode of The West Wing, a rerun of The Apprentice, and any station playing a Cialis commercial.


Dad will begin smacking the cable box, but his attempts to assert dominance over it will prove futile. Mom by this point has worked herself up into a frenzy and is fully ranting about, depending on your parents leaning, every…

Brandon J. Talley

Los Angeles based comedy writer. Published in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and Robot Butt.

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