Why Medium Sucks And I’m Leaving Like A Scared Little Puppy

Hey guys. I’m XxXBloggerManxXx. I wrote a piece a few months ago [obligatory link to my shitty blog] that blew up and got hundreds and HUNDREDS of views!

Wow. Those were the good old days, right? You could just publish to Matter and get a bunch of views right away. So easy.

I need things to be easy and fast because I am not willing to put in tons of time and effort and sweat and dedication to create things worth reading before I get an audience.

I don’t want to have to work hard. If I have to put more hours into my writing career per week than I did at my Social Media Guru job back at my friend’s Coffee For Dog Lovers startup, well I may as well just go back to being an employee, right?

What do I write about? Well, here are a hundred thousand links to other pieces that distract you from this article you’re reading now………………….. Because that makes sense.

I write about marketing. You see, I am a Content Marketer. That’s why I focus more on marketing than on writing. I’m just on Medium so I can market my 3 shitty articles about lifehacking your way to MegaSuccess(tm).

I don’t want to have to put in thousands of hours to become a good writer. See, we can’t all be writers. Some of us need to be content marketers and SEO experts. Like me.

Saying that writers should actually dedicate themselves to their craft is like saying bakers should spend the majority of their time baking instead of just blogging about how to make your bread go viral. That just doesn’t make sense and it’s an entitled and privileged worldview that doesn’t acknowledge that reading is too hard for me and writing is boring.

I put catchy headlines on my posts and put them in list form. Here are some examples.

10 Reasons Why You Need To Optimize Your Marketing SEO Content Social Media Before 10AM.

6 SuperQuick LifeHacks For Content Marketers.

4 Awesome Reasons Why Twitter Can EXPLODE Your Social Media Game!

Duh. Those titles are gonna go viral any second now. I just need to put a few more hours into marketing them. Yeah, the spelling sucks and I’ve only read 2 books in my entire life and I don’t consider myself a writer, but I should be able to just get paid real quicklike without having to put in tons of time to make myself the best.

That’s how I want life to work.

Kim Kardashian got famous by having sex. And my blog posts are like sex for your social media account.

Medium no longer lets you spam publications with your Lifehacky Lifestyle Design Entrepreneuerueruiralism Startup SEO blog posts, so how am I supposed to make a living?

There’s nothing extraordinary or even slightly interesting about me, but I still expect that people will pay attention to my utterly normal life because I read 3 articles by Seth Godin about The Power Of You.

I’m powerful and I deserve an easy life without having to make anything truly valuable.

Now it’s time for a call-to-action, which is what the experts tell me is the superhack for all Content Marketing Geniuses, like me:

Go check out The Mexico Podcast and my website if you’re interested in Mexico and/or the Spanish language. (If you’re not interested, then don’t check them out. But you’re probably not even reading this far because you’re sad that I already trademarked MegaSuccess(tm), which you were thinking about trademarking, because owning that term would have skyrocketed you into the stratosphere of SuperUltraSuccess(tm), which I’ve also trademarked.)

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