Post-Partum Depressions: Why Am I Crying Like A Baby?

You have waited years to adopt a baby. You have gone through the roller coaster of emotions, and the day finally arrived when your new son was born. You are overjoyed, excited, and proud, barely able to believe that the time you have longer for is finally here.

You love your son. So why are you overwhelmed by feelings of depression? Why are you constantly crying more than him?

Although it is not the norm, post adoption depression is a very real and harrowing condition. In certain ways, it is no different than the feelings felt by birth mothers who suffer from the post-partum blues. In the case of adoption, it can’t be blamed on hormones; nevertheless, the feelings of despair, fatigue, guilt and worthlessness are no different. In some ways you may feel even worse, because you can’t blame it on your hormones!

Reasons Behind Post Adoption Depression

Did you have an ideal picture in mind of what your family life would be like? Without realizing it, did you have an image of a perfect adopted child? In 1995, adoption advocate June Bond coined the term Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS) after meeting with new moms suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and a general disconnect with their newly adopted babies. In fact, it is a condition that affects one out of every 10 adoptive mothers -- 65% of adopted families experience some form of depression post adoption.

According to Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist at UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute, you may have finally come to terms with your inability to conceive or realize that how you envisioned your adopted child was flawed.You may also feel empathy for the birth mother, having a hard time savoring your satisfaction while she may be experiencing grief.Dr. Jane Aronson, an adoption medicine specialist, attributes post adoption depression to “a mismatch of expectation with reality, being an older or single parent or adopting an older, school-aged child.”

Take the case of Melissa Fay Greene who adopted a 4-year-old from Bulgaria and wrote a book called A Love Like No Other. Many times orphans have issues “bonding” or “attaching” to their adoptive parents or vice versa.She describes her inability to love her son initially, and the feelings of exhaustion, regret, and guilt that she felt.

Understand your new stresses – the financial responsibility of a new family member, the loss of sleep, the adjustment to a new routine, and your added responsibilities. No wonder you are not eating, sleeping or functioning normally!

What to Do?

Know that chances are many of the symptoms relating to depression will abate after six months, once you and your child get more familiar with each other and into a routine. The main thing is to seek help, whether it’s from a professional or family friend. Join a post-adoption support group or an adoption play group so you can interact with other parents going through the same thing. Just knowing you are not alone in the way you feel can take some of the pressure off. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to establish a loving and trusting relationship with your child. Not everyone has instant maternal instincts!

The main problem with many new parents is sleep deprivation. Try and find some time for some power naps. Ask a family member to watch your child and go off and relax or pamper yourself. You need some alone time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help!

If you feel both sadness and joy at adoption, know these feelings are normal. Many of us have unrealistic expectations of parenthood and the happiness it should bring to us initially. Motherhood can be an exhausting experience under the best of circumstances, yet alone when you have to put behind you the ups and downs of infertility and adoption issues. You have finally reached your long-awaited goal. Eventually you will learn to relish the fact. But like many goals, give yourself time to attain the feelings of bliss associated with parenthood.

About The Author:

Jeffrey A. Kasky, Esq. is a Florida adoption lawyer and Vice President of One World Adoption Services, Inc., a Florida-licensed not-for-profit child placing agency. Jeff’s diverse career experiences include co-authoring the book, “99 Things You Wish You Knew Before … Choosing Adoption” with Robert A. Kasky, Florida-certified law enforcement officer, and involvement in the autism community, including a TV show focused on helping families with legal issues related to autism called “Spectrum at Law” on The Autism Channel. A practicing attorney since 1995, he has worked on more than one thousand adoption cases.