Red Hot
Self-confession.
I can’t help but feel anger, boiling inside of me, burning every ounce of self-control i thought i had. There’s just something about the way he pushes my buttons. The way he uses his words to lash out at my soul, i can feel it tearing and ripping away at my wall of patience i have built. I try so hard inside to fight the urge to yell and act on my angry impulses. I try so fucking hard.
Maybe all along i’ve been short-tempered. I do get annoyed and irritated quite easier than most. Maybe its because i have to be so patient in my line of work, that when i come home, i am just so exhausted from putting up with peoples stupid bullshit, that i literally have no patience left inside of me to deal with the drama in my own bedroom. I dont need the critisim, when its petty little things. I understand it, i really do. Sometimes I have a long day at work and mentally im drained, I get lazy and I shut down. I am kind and giving, almost always. I have to draw the line somewhere or else i become a doormat. I cannot become the woman who gets walked on by every man that comes into her life, i also cannot become the woman who angers easily and cannot control herself. Please know that I am trying to become a woman, who is patient, Always, no matter the circumstances. I am trying to become a woman I know I can be, but it is a long, hard and painful journey. It means I have to let go of every societal pattern that has been embedded into my brain. I have to un-brainwash myself and hopes that I can create a new version of myself. Something, someone wants to be around, I want to be around. I am self-aware. I know every self-destructive pattern i have. Why do i still do them then? Because I am human. We all make mistakes in some shape or form. I know that because i anger easily, that pushes people away from me and turns them onto the idea that i am a violent person, which i am quite the oppisite. I just have trouble controlling my anger sometimes, but i would never hurt someone with it. I also have trust issues that stem from years of abadonment problems and sexual abuse. I have crazy mood swings because i have a hormanal imbalance due to several reasons. I can be very lazy sometimes and not want to do anything at all. Theres really no good reasoning for that, just a personality flaw that im working on. Im very impulsive. I’m not as happy as i make myself out to be. I put on a great show though, but inside, im always hurting in some way. I wish I could fix myself over-night sense i know all of my issues, but its really not that simple. Im too broke to seek out professional help, so all i really have right now is myself. and thats kinda biased. I wanna fix every flaw i have and maybe thats my whole problem. Im not good enough for myself, so I cannot be good enough for anyone else.
