Shame on me

these are thoughts i shouldn’t have, but do.

I don’t know why i still do it. I don’t know why i still crave to hear his voice even though i know it will only break me down on the inside. I don’t know why I touture myself and relive our memories over and over again. I don’t know why my dreams at night consist of him. I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to delete our pictures and his voicemails. I don’t know why i can’t just get him out of my damn head already.

In my past, moving on hasn’t been too easy, but it hasn’t been hard either. Im usually capable of suppressing the feelings by now, and everything that comes along with it. I guess with every relationship its a different situation. I fell for him as hard as i could. He managed to catch my attention and keep it within the last few hours we had left on that magical ship. Out of everyone i encounterd, it was him that i ended up with… The womanizer-alcoholic who doesn’t know responsibility if it looked him in the face, who plays the woe is me card to excuse his irrational behavior and refuses to accept the fact that he will never succeed if he doesn’t change his ways. All the incredible people i met on that journey, and i fell in love with him.

I can’t say if the good out-weighed the bad because there was a lot of bad mixed into the good. Moments that were hard to get through, but once we got there, it was beautiful and we were stronger… at least i thought we were. I knew that distance was going to be the hardest part of our journey and I wanted to believe that we were strong enough to get past it. I kept believing that until the very last day.

I never thought that you would replace me so quickly. I never thought that i was replaceable. He told me that it was a “Finding himself” journey, and i supported that and i wanted him to better himself and if by breaking up that helped then so be it, but i still wanted to be by his side because he was my best friend. He was all i had. He was the one that was there for me when i lost everyone. He had been there for so long I didn’t wanna imagine my life without him in it. I honestly couldn’t bear that thought. And then she happened. She pushed me out of his life and blocked me on every thing i could contact him with or he could reach out to me with. She had taken over and locked him down to where, in an instant, i had lost the one person i held dearest to my heart. In that instant, I had nothing. I was truly alone. I had no one to tell anything to, i had no one to cry to about how he had let her do this to me. I had no one. I don’t know who to blame, her or him or both, but i know that it was the lemon-juice on a freshly cut wound. I felt lost like a puppy for a while, not really knowing how to react. I would reach out to contact him, but then quickly realized i couldn’t.

It’s been 7 months now and i probably don’t know him anymore. I don’t know what the past 7 months have brought him, wether be pain or happiness. I don’t know if his family is doing alright. I don’t know if he still have his pets, I don’t know if he still drinks hisself silly every day, i don’t know if he still works with the same artists, I don’t know what his current style is . I don’t know what he drinks about these days that he can’t tell the world. I don’t know who he still hangs out with and i don’t know even know if he’s successful yet. 7 months can change a person into someone you don’t know anymore

I honestly, hope he’s doing fine and working on him self. I hope he’s listening to advice of the people who care about him and I hope he’s making music and doing what he loves. Living life without him hasn’t been easy, but i’ve managed to do it. I’ve found someone that makes me happier than i’ve ever been. He never brings me sadness and there’s rarely bad moments and he loves me in a way you never could.

I don’t know if he and i will ever cross paths again one day, maybe if there are more lessons to be learned, but in this moment, i know that where i am is where i am supposed to be. And i can only hope, he is getting to where he needs to be too.

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