11 Hacks Guaranteed NOT To Result In Explosive Growth

With everyone desperately trying to build their following online, it’s no wonder that the growth gurus have responded with an endless supply of clever techniques.

Google any subject these days and mixed in with your relevant results will be traffic growth hacks.

For example, your results for “easter egg hunt” might include an idea for printing your URL on little slips of paper and stuffing them along with the jelly beans inside your sister-in-law’s plastic Easter eggs.

Don’t laugh. Most kids have smart phones now.

But the point is that as competition for engagement continues to heat up, we’re all getting a little more willing to try any crazy hack we come across.

What could go wrong, right?

Well, if it’a a hack that has nothing to do with online growth — plenty.

So in response to this (and to help fulfill some of my community service obligations) I have compiled a list of hacks you do NOT want to use.

These are all bona fide definitions taken from my 1973 edition of Webster’s Extremely Heavy English Dictionary.

Hack — a rack for drying fish

Hack — an indentation in the ice for planting your foot while curling

Hack — a worn out horse

Hack — a talented artist who sells out for money

Hack — a carriage for hire

Hack — a staff writer forced to pound out drivel

Hack — a rack for holding livestock fodder

Hack — purposefully striking the arm of a basketball opponent

Hack — a political operative willing to carry out any order

Hack — a low pile of unburnt bricks

Hack — a particularly nagging cough

I suggest printing this list and keeping it in your waistcoat pocket for handy reference.

And please, let me know if you come across any other hacks that are destined to fail.

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