The Football Man Made Me Sad

I sat down with my son’s Latham & Gülman (adopted) to enjoy the pre-season NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and Green Bay Packers on Friday, August 26th. It is often tradition between me and my young lads to help them learn how to make millions of dollars by giving each other brain damage. Instead I was forced into a moral panic and I didn’t know what else to do at this point so I’m going to tell my story.

Before the game began, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Connor Kæpernicus refused to stand during the American National Anthem. Upon noticing this I spit out a mouthful of Shiraz and screamed for my wife.

“Diane! The quarterback… he didn’t stand for the national anthem!”

Diane’s eyes began tearing up. She couldn’t believe it. Why would a football boy disown America? She didn’t want to live in that world. Diane packed her bags and went to her mother’s house. I haven’t seen her since.

My young sons Latham & Gülman (adopted) looked at me…

“Daddy,” they said in-sync “why does the football boy hate America?”


My wonderful boys then went to their room where presumably their minds were corroded by “gangster rap” & violent video games (disgusting).

Immediately thereafter my phone rang,

“Hello?” I said

“Hi sir this is Tammy from Representative Peter King’s office. We saw the football game and we wanted to let you know that we are on it. Representative King is putting forward legislation that would require all good football boys to stand for the national anthem at sports games.”

“oh thank GOD” I shrieked “but what if they don’t stand? What if they decide not to stand for freedom, truth, and the American Way?”

Tammy replied, “Any violation of this legislation bares a minimum of five years in Guantanamo Bay Detention Center”

I was relieved.

Its been several days and I still have not seen my wife Diane. Latham has joined a violent gang of thugs and Gülman (adopted) is “missing”.

At the very least I know Representative Peter King has brought salvation upon me and my life. Now that I know a football boy can never disrespect the flag without severe punishment, I can live happily.

God Bless America.

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