Self-Medicating Pain Away
Y.G & Kendrick Lamar wrote a song called “Really Be (Smokin’ N Drinkin’) which at first glance seems like a song about partying and not giving a shit. This is a lesson in why one should read the lyrics! The song is about self-medication. Life is so bad that the only escape is to alter one’s state of mind. The history of drug use is a fascinating one to say the least, but in general the use of drugs is to escape. For a while it was thought LSD would create world peace. We could transcend to a higher consciousness. This obviously failed so drugs became a means to not go to heaven, but to escape hell.
I am in no way comparing my life to Kendrick’s. I have a couple of friends killed, but they weren’t my close friends. A good friend sent me this song the other night. The timing was interesting. I have been reflecting on life the past few months. I was acting out. I didn’t care about anything. I was going to do what I wanted to do, what made me feel good, and no one was going to stop. I started drinking more. I’d would be drunk more often. I’m sure on the outside people saw a man just having a good time and not caring what people thought as I danced up a storm, but inside there’s a broken man searching to fill a void.
I’m doing my best to be honest with myself. To call out my actions for they are. Not trying to dress up in a soft language. If I was a dick, that what I was. No questions. No excuses. I realized that my increase in drinking was me self-medicating. When normally I’d say enough is enough, my mind’s regulator was turned off, and it was “do whatever you want man.” That’s when one becomes toxic to themselves, and others. I don’t want to be that way.
So I took inventory on life. What leads me to poor choices? My anger? Yes. Was alcohol involved? Yes. Should I stop and cut back because I am not in a good mind state to handle myself under the influence of alcohol. YES. The second part is the company I have while drinking. I’ve come to conclusion that I should only be drinking with certain people. I need to have a mental list of who I can drink with. We are influenced by the people around in ways that our consciousness can’t pick up.
What have done with this realization? I stepped back. Way back. I don’t go out. I try to limit who I spend time with. I work, workout, and go home. There’s lots of work to do on myself and I need the personal space and time to figure out who it is I am; then how do I go about being the man I see myself being.