Dear Bridesmaid, expect to ask for, do and manage crazy things. No, crazier than that.

The Fugly Truth

Weddings are a multi-billion dollar business the world over. Sadly this means that even on your wedding day, even if you’re the Bride, you’re still just a dot on a sales spreadsheet. Unless you’re a celebrity or a millionaire, you’re not a celebrity or a millionaire. So don’t expect to be treated like one — even on your wedding day (miserable, but true).

The Bath

It was late(ish), everyone was drunk(ish) and the Bride was tired. As the newlyweds politely said their goodbyes as each guest filtered out, my Bride pulled me aside.

“I really need a bath. Can you ask concierge if they’ll run us a bubble bath please?”.

“…um sure”.

You’re probably wondering why my Bride didn’t just send me to run the bath, it surely appears in the bridesmaid manual, if there is such a thing. However, this was a very posh hotel. The kind of hotel that does not allow members of the wedding party keys to the bridal suite. For fear, I assume, that they will run rampant with silly string, rose petals, steal the champagne, and lord knows what else, but somebody clearly ruined a suite once upon a time and as a result, key card denied.

Well this is a 5 star hotel

So off I toddled. Toothy smile in place, polite telephone voice on.

“Hi, sorry to bother you, the newlyweds would like a bubble bath when they finally say goodbye to everyone. Could you arrange that if possible, please?”

Silence.

“I don’t think so”.

Fuck.

Bridezilla shall likely go postal. And seriously, this is a 5 star establishment, surely this is not an odd request? (or perhaps I’d just been with my Bride too long!)

Flirt eyes on, politeness maxed.

“Um, you see I’m not allowed in the room, or I’d do it myself. Is there no way a chambermaid or perhaps someone from the room service team could possibly run it? They’ll probably be another half an hour so I think there’s time”.

“It’s not a service we offer, so no it’s really not possible. Sorry”.

“Okay, thanks.”

A long sigh accompanied my long walk back to my Bride.

You’re the Bridesmaid, sometimes you’re inadequate

One great thing about Bridezillas is that they are so controlling and self assured that they’ll instantly assume you’ve not failed. You are just not tough enough. So with a giggle at my lack of tenacity and perseverance my Bride swished off to procure the bath herself.

Denied!

She was incredulous.

Even on your Wedding day, you’re not a Royal

Part of me understands her dismay, it’s not every day you drop five figures on a party, and four figures on a two night stay in a pretty bedroom, so surely someone could have run a bath, filled it with crappy hotel toiletry product and kept her sweet. Had her finish her day as a princess with a little extra princess treatment. But nope.

Beyonce stayed in this hotel once and I’ll bet you my year’s salary Solange Knowles wouldn’t have been turned down had she asked politely for a bath for her big sis.

Let me remind you. Unless you are a celebrity or a millionaire, you are not a celebrity or a millionaire so don’t expect the royal treatment, even on your wedding day.

— as an aside, I think Mother-of-the-Bride was allowed access and ran said bath in the end. You’re always a princess in someone’s eyes, even if it is only the eyes of your parents!