R.A.S.C.A.L: A Six-Step System For Backsliding Without Maggie Rolling Her Eyes

Editor’s note: The author is not back with Jesse. They would never, never, NEVER get back together with him.

RASCAL is a simple program for keeping your embarrassing but inevitable return to a toxic relationship quiet. Especially when Maggie is around. Scientifically, a “Maggie” isn’t able to grasp the nuance of a “Jesse’s” intermittent, unpredictable attentions, nor the litany of psychosexual reasons one might have for starting a failed thing up again. In order to avoid burping up the truth in a rose-fueled confession, call upon the tools of RASCAL, because if you don’t tell anyone, then it basically isn’t really happening. Then you’re free to backslide away like your heart is a New Jersey waterpark. And just like a New Jersey waterpark, be prepared to ignore some serious open wounds.

RASCAL roll-call!

R is for “Remember that people can change drastically! “ Jesse might have done some deep soul searching. He went to 12 step meetings, probably. Maybe he started “believing in” therapy! This happens a lot IRL, it’s not just a fantasy. People change all the time, especially people who don’t think they need to change.*

A is for “Also!” As in, also you forgot to tell Maggie about the time you blacked out on sake and told Jesse he needed to make more money for you to feel secure. So she should take that into account- that was fucked up of you, and maybe led to the breakup. Maybe A LOT MORE of this was YOUR fault!

S is for “Sex, which is difficult to explain.” Does Maggie want to hear how Jesse is freaking perfect at role play and oral sex? No, right? So it’s just best for everyone if you don’t even try.

C is for “Can you accept less? Yes.” You were asking for a lot. You should have been cooler when Jesse bailed on your two-part Halloween costume because he was “a bit tired.” You were asking a lot, and anyway, people got that you were Hooch, not just some crying chick in a dog costume.

A is for Alternatives. Don’t consider them. All outcomes that involve moving on and processing ambiguous loss are definitely way worse than suffering under the tender mercies of a dry drunk.

L is for Limits, which everyone has but you. Friends like Maggie are robots and if you press the wrong buttons, they WILL leave forever because your faults are unlovable.

So yeah, everything’s going great, HOW ARE YOU?

* September 28th, 2015 Jesse stranded the author without an uber in Venice because she confessed she didn’t like his Bright Eyes tattoo and she hopes he forgives her for it.

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