A couple of things I can’t wait to do once I move out of my weird emotionally abusive situation
The time is right
I’m gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shinning,
And I want to live inside the glow, yeah yeah
-India Arie, Beautiful
I’ve spent the majority of my life in servitude. For the sake of survival, I found myself shrinking…Denying my wants and my needs, A prisoner to the enotional temperament of others. The plan for my life had been laid out for me before I ever existed. A silent partnership. They dedicated my life to God before I had a chance to decide that for myself. I found myself a pawn in a situation I never really understood or wanted a part in. And when I began to question this order and find my own way through life, one that affirmed my budding girlhood and accepted it. I found myself shouldering the burden of being a failure in the eyes of my parents. I never once felt a real connection to my biological family. There is a very real break in the chasm, a generational disconnect that kind of leaves us unable to really communicate. I learned today my father can’t say I love you because he doesn’t have it inside of him. He tells me what I got from him is much more than his father gave him, which is nothing. He had nothing to give me. He resents me for not being everything he wanted me to be.
lt’s kinda hard to talk about these things. almost blasphemous to say my current predicament is in any way indicative of the kind of parenting that I was subjected to (which it undoubtedly is), but to give life to these feelings oftentimes means being left to shoulder that burden by yourself.
I made the decision to leave because at a certain point, you get angry. You get resentful. You begin to stew in the resentment, and it poisons you. Day after day, watching your peers live their dream lives on social media that that make you envious. Being afforded the bodily autonomy, to look and dress and be the person you’ve always wanted to be.
Now after being disrespected on too many occasions to count, being called out my name, my personal morals and ethics being called into question and a multitude of other sins comitted against my body and spirit, I wondered by I continued to stay in an abusive situation when I would tell anyone else in this EXACT situation, to leave? I did what I had to do for survival, yes. But I…am…tired. Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Tired down, tired BOOTS. Just tired. I gave up what feels like my dreams & future ambitions to live in that house. To have war waged on my spirit, to have what felt like the metaphorical walls close in on me, I figure it doesn’t get any worse from here. Whereever I go I will make a home for myself that will ultimately be better than anything I had here.
I get that chance to enter a new phase of personal growth without the harsh and unaproving opinions of others. It goes without saying that there’ll be problems that come with navigating life as a homeless black trans woman in these New York streets, but i’m reaching out everywhere I can for resources in order to maintain some semblance of normalcy during this rough and rocky transition. I think support and community are what is REALLY going to be my saving grace during this time. I get that chance to enter a new phase of personal growth without the harsh and unaproving opinions of others. All of the things I wanted to do but couldn’t do are now open to me, A new level of personal freedom for which I’m almost scared but excited for. So, here’s a list of shit I can’t wait to do once I get out of my emotionally abusive living situation:
- getting a tongue ring
- getting a nose ring
- swearing makeup again
- My mental health will surely improve
- growing out my hair/wear my hair however I want
- bundles bundles bundles
- did I mention bundles
- finding a chosen family
- networking and creating community for myself
- reaching a new level of self love