Reopening Old Wounds

Briley Kenney
Aug 23, 2017 · 11 min read

I often reference a “long heartfelt” letter that I sent to my donors a couple years ago just before my wedding. The goal, when I sent it was to distance myself then and this was way before I even knew what it meant to be narcissistic. I’ve always known my mother was toxic, but only recently have I been able to truly explain it.

But looking back at this letter, which I wrote with just about every fiber of my being I can see how truly deep this shit goes. I don’t know, maybe you will too, or maybe you’ll judge me — more than you may have already done.

Either way, I went back to read this and I felt like sharing. It’s worth noting that my parents made the claim that I said some mean and hurtful things in this letter that caused them to take a long while to reply. I’m sure some of it can come off as mean and scathing, but it’s the honest to God truth. In the end, they never did reply to this email. They just ignored it completely, like it never happened.

Even back then I probably should have seen everything as it was.

After this email, I would later go on to invite them to my wedding. I also made several attempts at allowing them back in my life and my family’s life. They haven’t seen my daughter since she was just over a month old. Their excuse is that I’m the “dysfunctional” one.


[Letter Sent in Email on 4/8/14]

Mom and Dad,

I’m going to write this out for a few reasons, the first being that I write and communicate so much better. I have never been good at communicating with my tongue, a blessing that you bestowed upon me. The other reason is so that you’re forced to read the words, and comprehend them without arguing, butting in with your own opinions or what have you. I think this is important for both of you to read on your own time, but you guys can do what you will. As Mom so readily said “you need to respect [our] decisions.”

I’d like to start this off by pointing out that Mom has a completely skewed vision of me and who I am. Some of the things she believes, or at least comments on may have at one time been true. As people grow older and they experience new things, they tend to change. Sure, who they are at their core stays the same and that’s part of the reason why I take issue with Mom’s opinion of me. It’s silly to go around claiming that you’ve been misunderstood most of your life, but I think in my case — at least recently that’s how it is. Growing up as a child I’ve made plenty of mistakes and I’ve learned from them. I’ve lied, cheated, physically mentally and emotionally hurt others and so much more. I’m not blind to this. I’ve apologized for these things and I’ve tried to move past them the best I can. I honestly think that some of those things I needed to experience to become who I am today. Some of them may have been extreme scenarios but at that point in time clearly it’s what needed to happen so that I could grow.

I don’t know what goes on inside your head mom and I don’t presume to know. I can imagine it’s a mess with everything going on around you — namely shit happening with [Brother 1], [Brother 2] and even me at times. I don’t walk around like my shit doesn’t stink like you think. I know it comes off that way, but part of that is how I cope and deal with situations that hurt me. I am a recluse. I am closed off to others. A large majority of the time, even with you — my own family — you see only what I want you to see. I understand how that sounds a bit questionable, but I assure you I’m no different than anyone else. I used to live my life in utter fear of being hurt, mostly by those I love. Sometimes this makes me act in a way that seems, well if you know me well it’s pretty much what happens when I’m frazzled.

I know you love us, and I completely understand that you slip and make mistakes yourselves. You are at a turning point in your own lives where it’s time for you to shed your past skin, and slither your way out into your new lives. I’m happy for you because you and Dad both deserve happiness, as much as possible. I’m also worried because — to me — it seems like you have lost yourselves in a way and you’re traveling in the wrong direction. That’s up to the both of you to figure out, on your own time, in your own relationship.

I’m not entirely sure what went wrong with our family or where, but there’s a reason I have always searched for love elsewhere. There’s a reason I’ve always had a desire to find true love, and have a woman at my side. It’s not because I’m stupid, or my priorities are fucked up like you so often have claimed. They’ve just never aligned with what you wanted for me, which brings us to the main issue. Somewhere, at some point in your life before we were grown you decided each one of us kids were going to be a certain way. I don’t presume to know what that vision was, but I can see very clearly — and I guarantee you so can your other children — that you not only are not happy with who we have become but in some ways you resent us. I hate to say this, but all of your children are different and we were all destined for different things — we have free will. Along the way we stumble, and it’s your job to help us stand back up. You gave us the tools we need already it’s up to us to use them. Unfortunately, part of growing up in this fucked up world means we need to learn not only when but how to use those tools. I’m still learning how to apply a lot of the guidance you and dad have given me over the years.

I’m not sure what you expected us to be — what you expected me to be — but I am who I am. [Brother 1] is who he is. [Brother 2] is who he is, and the girls are exactly who they are. Life could be over in just seconds. Instead of wasting time trying to figure why, or how or even wasting time resenting the things you don’t like or agree with — why not spend time getting to know us instead? Why not revel in the fact that we’re all still alive. Be proud of who we are, the scraping artist who makes a living with words, the military guy who really hates the military but decided it was the best option for him, the addict who chose the wrong path but will do everything he can for the rest of his life to get back on the right road.

Here are some things I think you need to know about me, and it’s really sad that you don’t see them. It hurts me, beyond anything you can fathom.

I am not selfish, if anything I am selfless especially for those I love — my family often takes advantage of that and me. Take my wedding for example, I have done everything in my power to help my immediate family enjoy the day, and have as few burdens as possible. I’m sorry but the situation with [Brother 2] is bullshit, and you constantly defend him. I wanted to spend a night with my brothers before the wedding, and you call me selfish because I’m angry he won’t. If the roles were reversed, if that were [Brother 2] or [Brother 1] asking you would stick up for them in a heartbeat — you would be telling me to respect their decisions because it’s their wedding. More importantly — and this is the really fucking sad part — you wouldn’t have to tell me that because I already know these things. It’s their wedding, their day and their celebration and I would go out of my way to make them happy — and when the day comes that’s exactly what I’ll do.

I am very appreciative and thankful for what I have including my family — yet I’m often being lectured that I need to be the one to change. I reach out to everyone in my family. Ever since I moved out many years ago I have been allowing the girls, and my brothers to visit and I always ensure they have food, entertainment and whatever they need while they are with me. There are times, and have been times over the years where I wrongly thought of myself first yes but those are the exception more than they are the rule. For some reason, no matter what I do, those are the only things you EVER focus on. Even now as you’re reading this, I know you well enough to know you’re already thinking of me negatively. You have it wrong. It is you, who needs to learn to appreciate me. I do a lot, and sacrifice a lot for my family and I never make you guys feel like you need to appreciate that. I never even bring it to your attention. I’m tired of living this way, where my family thinks so negatively of me. Aside from the girls, because they aren’t grown yet I AM the most giving, loving and caring member of our family. I really think you need to revisit your past experiences and explore that idea. I’m sure your vision of me will never change, if at all and that’s sad and hurts me a lot.

I’m not materialistic. I don’t care about objects, or money. I would give up any of my gadgets in a heartbeat if it meant saving you guys. Hell I would give my own life for any of you, without question. I’m not who you think I am, not even close. I’m exhausted trying to get you to see that. The only thing I want from you, my parents, is love. I want real love. I want your support. I want you to be proud of me. I want you to appreciate who I am and what I’ve done — as little, or vast accomplishment as that may be.

The worst part about all of this is that I try constantly for you. I try to reach out, I try to talk to my brothers, take my sisters, keep in touch with my parents, hell I even try to get you and Dad to visit with Jerry and Wendy [in-laws] — I want you to be close to me, and in my life. That’s not all, it doesn’t just stop there. I have tried to make you see who I really am deep down. I have tried to be successful and fit the mold you want. I have even tried to stop being myself for you countless times, because I’m not stupid I know you don’t like me (it caused slip-ups which are my own fault I should have been happy with myself). I have tried many things and I have never stopped over the years.

You shouldn’t have to try for family, family should just be. They should be there for you to support you always. When everyone else thinks you’re fucking crazy, stupid and insane they should be the ones keeping you afloat. We should respect each other, and we should all go the extra mile for each other — not one doing it most of the time and the others only occasionally. We are blood and that will never change. Sadly, I’m closer to a lot of my friends than I am with my own family. I can trust them, not to judge me, to love me and to support me.

Like you, I have my own emotional and mental instabilities and I fight those every day. Most of them stem from personal insecurities, and I won’t even bother saying where they originated from.

You don’t like me. You have said as much, and during the argument we had last year I got a real glimpse of that. You were honest. The sad part is that I’m amazing, and it’s taken me so long to realize it but that’s true. I am an amazing person. My friends love me. My wife to be loves me. Her family loves me. You’re the only ones missing out.

I’m tired of you judging me. I’m tired of trying to get you to understand my decisions. I’m sick of how negative you make me feel, and how you look at me — I can see in your eyes those times when you don’t like me or who I am, believe it or not they aren’t hidden. It’s a deadly poison, a slow burn charring your skin gradually — yet it doesn’t hurt any less.

To you, I’m sure this will seem like a lot of nonsense and its long already so I’ll do what I can to get to the point. I love you dearly, you are my parents and my family and that will never change. I’m only human and sometimes I forget that, sometimes I take you for granted, and I do the very things I’m pointing out to you now. One thing I have never done is lose sight of who you are. Think back, for as long as you can remember and pick a time in my life where I didn’t have you in it. I hate to say it, but I’m an adult now — and if you are in my life that means you are because I want you there. I could have disappeared a long time ago, or done hundreds of things to keep you out of it. Maybe it’s time you appreciate me, if only a little. Maybe you should appreciate how I am, and what I do for you. I know the first thing you’re going to think about is — what do you do for us all you ever do is demand and take from us. An opinion like that couldn’t be further from the truth about me. If you can’t come up with even one reason why you should appreciate me, that’s proof you don’t deserve me in your life.

Who cares about anyone else? Who cares about family up north we never see, or strangers looking in? The only people that have ever mattered to me and the only ones that still do are those I love — you included.

I still expect you to be at the wedding in July. I’m hoping you won’t be petty and drag this out long, but you usually are — to the point where you blatantly go out of your way talk to Gabbi instead of me.

When you figure out why I’m upset, and why I’m hurt and you can apologize, then we can talk. Until then, I’m going to distance myself. I’m not going to talk to you, visit you or check on you. I’m not going to ask for your help, or rely on you. The only way you’ll ever see how much of an impact I have on your life, is if I’m gone. I can only hope that this will give you time to understand who and what I truly am, and how amazing I am. If not, well then have a great life.

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Briley Kenney

Written by

Contributor to @Vulgamer, @talesofillyria, @smartwatchesorg and more. Content Manager for Code 9 Media. VP of Operations for Colin Klinkert Dot Com LTD. Gamer.

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