12:28 PM 5/5/17
I sit here in my class with one of my favorite teachers and all I can do is think about how I was wronged by someone younger. It hurts, and yes I was sad but now all I am now is angry. He promised me that he wouldn’t hurt me like the other guys that I had been with. Funny, since he hurt me more than everyone else. I feel so alone, I feel like I am getting looks from everyone when I wasn’t in the wrong. I feel empty and I just want to die. As I once said to one of my friends, “I have a heart of glass, although I play it off often as being fortified with steel, as to not be hurt so easily, but what do you do, when all your heart has been doing is shattering on repeat?” And that is what it has been doing. Shattering on repeat, nonstop. I can’t find an escape. I don’t want to bring anyone into the sadness I feel, because they often just roll their eyes or tell me to get over it. For this reason, I keep it all to myself. Even while I was crying in front of my friend, I kept assuring her I was fine. My face stained with tears, I tried to lie and say I was fine. She knew I wasn’t, but she walked away. I don’t blame her, she had to get to class. But I felt abandoned. I walked around the corner, and I couldn’t breathe. Someone who was once the subject of my hatred came around the corner and tried to comfort me. My best friend tried too as well, but it was all futile. I was so convinced that I was worth nothing to anyone, that I wouldn’t let anyone talk me down off the edge that no one knew was developing. I went home and I grabbed the blade that I kept hidden from everyone and I put it to my thigh and cried as I let my pain show. I ran a bath and sat in it, my shorts and tank top on as I kept the blade slicing across my blade. After, I laid back and closed my eyes and prayed for death to come. It didn’t. I laughed as I climbed out, saying to myself “Can’t even kill yourself out, you worthless bitch.” I then had a conversation with my ex from the year before and he talked me down off the edge. I fought the urge to pull myself back, as hard as I could so that I could just end my suffering. He made it too hard to. I’m alive right now because of the words he said to me. Although I sit here now, still wanting to die, I can’t bring myself to leave someone I care about so much still, still love and have feelings for, to be in misery. And that is a secret. I am still in love with Darious Brown, and I hate myself for that.