Postpartum Depression

This is something I never wanted to admit or even talk about… Ive dealt with this for the past 2 years of my life, and it’s about time I speak up.
I’ve had my days where I can be the most loving mother I’ve always wanted to be. Interacting with my daughter at the park, setting up playdates, going to the store with her, hearing her say “mama”, and all the beautiful moments that comes with a child. But most of the time I feel like a completely different person. One that I have come to hate and try to fight but somehow, I always end up losing.
On these days, I never want to be alone with her. I’ll go as far as bussing an hour just to spend time with someone I haven’t talked to for years. When I am alone with her, I feel guilty about not wanting to play or draw with her. It feels as if I’m babysitting instead of being a mother. And when someone is around to help take care of her, I want to hide out in the bathroom just to get some privacy and time to breath.
With that I feel like I’m the worst mother in the world. I always asked myself, “Why is it so hard for you to want to be there every second for your child?” I was always told that I was supposed to have an instant bond with my child, like its supposed to be this deep, devoted love at first sight. Of course I love my child, but I had such little time to prepare for her, that I didn’t feel that connection. It hurts me deep inside because I want to have this maternal bond that I heard so much about, but I just don’t have it.
Also sex. None of that. Not because of there being a child in the house. Not because I am too tired. Sadly the truth is that I do not want it. I feel there is nothing sexy about me. I traded in my lace bras for solid demis, my v-neck tops for band shirts, my pinup dresses for nightgowns. Not to mention the 40 extra pounds I gained after giving birth that I’ve been trying to loose for 2 years. On top of that her father has lost the “lets get it on” attitude and turned it in to a “lets turn on a movie” philosophy. If that isn’t enough, the “wanting to be wanted” idea I used to think was the best feeling is no longer the idea. It’s more of the “wanting to be left alone” feeling whenever we are together that has been put in my head.
Now to get on to the real stuff that some mothers don’t want to talk about because of the fear of being deemed an “unfit mother”…. The thoughts and feelings we get when we are alone.
Now for me, I don’t give any sign that I feel this way. There is no way I’d be able to explain it to someone who never felt this way before. Plus I was always the one who never wanted to burden anyone with problems that I should be able to take on myself. I push the feelings as far back as I can but they are still there. I can’t physically harm myself without the fear of someone seeing and asking me to explain the feelings that I don’t even understand fully myself. I can’t drink or smoke because I have a little person who is depending on me to take care of her 24/7. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because my other friends who are mom’s have their shit together, living with their husbands in their own place with a job and a car. None of which I have. The only thing I have is the hour or so to silently scream in to my pillow and cry myself to sleep before my sister gets home.
There are times where I just feel like I want to break down and tell my story and feelings to everyone who would listen. But all i can do is put a smile on my face, grab the diaper bag and take my daughter for a walk where I let out a tear here and there.
Postpartum depression has many different faces. Some mothers will get frustrated now and then where others can’t make it out of bed in the morning. If you have gone through this, or you still are, that doesn’t make you a bad mother. Just like if you never go through doesn’t make you a perfect mother. When it comes to being a parent, we have no clue what we are doing. Basically the first 18 years of our child’s life is one big series of trial and error situations on a roller coaster of emotions at a theme park that alway has smart ass workers and overdramatic kids. But at the end of the day, when my child is sleeping, I will look at her and say that I would never want to know my life without her in it. I will lay down my life for her without even batting an eye. She is what makes me want to be a better mother and fight these unsavory feelings. She is the strength I need to get through it all.
