How About a Snake Week, Discovery Channel?

It’s Shark Week. A week where the world watches these majestic killers of the deep swim and circle and eat fish and…yawn. Really? Sharks? Oooh, I’m sooo scared. If I go out of my way to charter a boat, go miles off shore, and chum the water to attract a shark, I could be eaten alive by this monstrous fish if I also happen to climb over the railing leaving the complete and utter safety of the boat. SCARY!

I can already hear the naysayers. “People get attacked by sharks just swimming or surfing on the beach.” Yeah, okay, but how many? Are you really in danger when you are just minding your own business trying to catch a few gnarly waves? The International Shark Attack File (Yes, that’s a thing.) claims that between the years 1580 and 2013 only 2,667 confirmed unprovoked shark attacks occurred. Don’t know how many “provoked” shark attacks there were, but if you were provoking a shark you probably had it coming. That’s 2,667 shark attacks in 433 years. 38 people are killed by lightning each year compared to 1 by shark attack. Yet, we have no “Lightning Week.”

You’re probably thinking, like I am, “where’s Snake Week?!” With over 700 different species of venomous snakes in the world, where at least 250 of these could kill with a single bite, you’d think we’d have a Snake MONTH. I, myself, am a venomous Egyptian Cobra. A bite from me, according to Wikipedia, “affects the nervous system, stopping the nerve signals from being transmitted to the muscles and at later stages stopping those transmitted to the heart and lungs as well, causing death due to complete respiratory failure. Envenomation causes local pain, severe swelling, bruising, blistering, necrosis and variable non-specific effects which may include headache, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, dizziness, collapse or convulsions along with possible moderate to severe flaccid paralysis.” Please ask your doctor if snake venom is right for you.

The Wikipedia for “Egyptian Cobra” mentions my escape from the Bronx Zoo, but not my pioneering efforts as a reptile on social media. Strange. Can somebody get on that?

Let’s make a real effort this week to let the Discovery Channel know that as “cool” as Shark Week is, we are much more terrified of snakes and that fear deserves to be celebrated with a Snake Week. Remember, sharks are only in the ocean. Snakes can be in the jungle, or your backyard, or your garage, or even in your uninspected shoe just waiting to sink their fangs into your unsuspecting flesh. Thanks for listening, friends. Come visit me at the Bronx Zoo. Kisses and hugs!

(originally published on