Hey you.

It’s been a while now hasn’t it? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t remember the last time we talked, but I know you don’t — and that’s the problem. You’ve sent me the random snapchat here and there but I know that they mean nothing and you most likely send them to all the other boys in your contacts. To them those ten second pictures mean nothing, but to me they’re a pang in my heart and a temptation. A temptation to say a quick hello or to give a snarky bitter reply, all in hopes of getting your attention. It’s 1:00 in the morning and while I should be dreaming, I’m on your Instagram. I’m wishing that I could see that sweet smile one more time in person, but it’s been too long. All of my friends tell me it’s time to move on and that you were never worth my time, yet here I am. I want to get over you. I really do. I want to forget the way you held my hand and made me smile. The way you’d send a shockwave through my body when you kissed me. The way I felt so free and alive when we escaped into the night. The way you made me laugh over the stupidest things. The way I would look into your eyes and you would ask me “what?” and smile. You made me feel, at times, like the happiest person on Earth but it wasn’t always like that. You hurt me. You hurt me in ways that I wish I could forget. I want to forget the way I would let you use me when you wanted for your own satisfaction. I want to forget the way you would say you were talking to a client, when you were obviously talking to another boy. I want to forget the way you would cancel our plans just to be with another boy. I want to forget the way I cried when I realized that while you meant the world to me I meant nothing to you. I want to forget the hatred I internalized and directed at my body because I felt ugly and unlovable. I want to forget the pain. I want to forget so many things, but even now I don’t want to forget you. They tell me to move on and leave the memories behind, but those memories made me the better person I am now. Our past was unhealthy and hurtful but thanks to it I am more confident than I ever have been. They tell me to move on and I finally think I’m ready, but I won’t forget you or the memories. I love you and fear that I will for a while more, but I’m willing to take the next step in my life. It took me awhile but I’m ready to say it, “Goodbye JT”.

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