Family, crime & money

I figured that I would need to write about this at one point in my life. The time is now I guess.

I grew up in central Slovakia during the time of a huge transformation at the verge of the break up of former Czechoslovakia and the transition from a completely planned economy into a capitalist country. Fact is that we weren’t ready and that created a huge vacuum. In my home town many people got unemployed and even more couldn’t handle living in an aggressive capitalist system. There was a vacuum. This was used out by the local thugs — in Bratislava there were oligarchs — young boys who had ties to the treasury who got hundred million loans just to buy off old communist run factories and locally in small towns we saw the emergence of local gangsters. The 90’s has seen a rise of people who handled others as sheep. Burning cars, burning buildings, naked businessmen drowning in the river, schemes upon schemes, cheap Chinese knock-off goods. This was the wild 90’s. This time has also brought a transformation to our family.

I come from a family which was dominated by my grandma and my aunt. One had ties on the right places and could get things done on the bureaucratic level and my aunt is a smuggler of falsified goods. I come from a family where each member is raised to believe that lying is ok if it serves your purpose and that corruption is just a tool to use. My aunt started importing falsified goods in the 90’s. The scheme worked so that in neighboring countries like Hungary or Czech Republic goods were brought in from China and then labels were sawn onto the clothing. If you had the right ties & connections you could cross the borders without any issues with a fully packed car.

When I was 3 or 4 my parents divorced. With the help of the connections of my grandma & others from my mom’s side they did it so that they argued that my dad had beaten me, but in reality he cheated on my mom. Cheating on your wife isn’t good, but cutting off ties between a child and it’s father is horrible. During the next years I’ve been told that my dad is a horrible person, that he doesn’t want to see me and that there is grandma and grandpa. My mom in the meantime had lovers — one of them had a family of his own. It was a strange way of doing the same thing that was done to her.

I was raised by my grandparents. Some might think that it’s ok, but it made me a less active child. It made me have less interaction with other young kids, it made me stay indoors too much and that influenced me. I needed to find my way into society and figure out interactions at a much later age.

When I was twelve my mom found a new boyfriend who just divorced and was searching for a new woman. I say woman, because he wasn’t seeking to create or join or be part of a family, but to have a young girl, which was my mom. My mom wanted a man who was different to the ones she had in the past. She wanted someone who wouldn’t be a businessman, who wouldn’t be running around town. She thought that having a couch potato is better than to have a man who hustles because it made her more secure.

During the time I was growing up I was constantly reminded that I look like my dad and if I did something bad I was told that I’m just like my father or my grandfather. My mom was my hero as is the mom of everyone when they’re a child, so I understood what she’s saying as a fact. I never questioned her. She painted an image of my dad where he was the devil, the worse thing that happened to her. She also mentioned that I was the worse thing to happen to her and that she could have had more freedom without me.

I suffered depression in my teenage years. There was a very long time during which whenever I was home and my mom’s boyfriend came he kept insulting me over and over again. Calling me names over and over again. When I went to my grandpa he told me to listen to my mom and be nice. When I approached my mom she told me to clean my room. So I’ve been hurting myself. I was thinking of suicide. But I found refuge in my thoughts. I knew that if I would be strong I could be alone, but I wouldn’t be beaten down by the various situations.

I started to meditate, I tried to get into a different state of mind. One in which I could forget about the things that hurt me. It’s not easy to calm your mind when your mom’s boyfriend calls you a fucked up piece of shit. I tried. I really tried hard.

When I was 15 or 16 I started programming as a hobby. My first projects were Deep-View and Deep-Water Linux which was a from scratch mini bootable system featuring it’s own UI apps like a panel inspired by OSX, file browser and icons. Then I had my art phase during which I painted a lot. I was always active in creating something. Whatever it was.

After high-school I felt a huge void. I didn’t want to go to college, since I didn’t want to be dependent on my mom and I was afraid to do two things at the same time (study and work), so I opted for work. I wrote down a business plan and asked for EU funding. I got it. I worked a bit on my own projects, then I worked for others — first in Central Slovakia and then I moved out. I was a complete greenhorn in Bratislava, our capital, but I knew that I should learn how to hustle and live in the wild as soon as possible. I didn’t want to stay this shut-in depressed shy kid and wanted to actively work on it not being true. The first step in making a change in your life is to realize your current state and make bold moves.

I travelled, worked in various places — Vienna, Prague, London. When I came back in 2012 I was tired. I still did a couple of projects, but I kind of wanted to get back home for a while and relax for a few Months. After all those years I thought that the shouting & insults would stop. I was a grown up man. Being single for a long time and not figuring out where to live made me seek refuge in my family, although originally they were one of the reasons I fled home.

Last year, in 2014 I came back home.

I originally wanted to stay for a few Months and in the beginning of 2015 I already planned where to live and how to organize my life when one day I found my grandpa shivering on the floor in his apartment. They found cancer all around his body. I made a promise to stay until the end. During my stay at home the boyfriend of my mom continued in his old ways. I argued with my mom for the last time and she took care of him not calling me names and shouting. Otherwise I don’t know how I’d be able to stay for so long.

My grandpa underwent a kidney removal three Months ago. Everyone told him that it’s probably not a good thing, because once your in a stage he was in, having metastasis you only get weak and you die sooner. After the surgery he wasn’t able to take care of himself, so my aunt and my mom took care of himself. The surgery just made him grounded. It made him dependent, which he wasn’t until then. I remade the room I had at my mom’s place to suit him & I started sleeping in one corner of my grandpa’s living room, since the place was empty. It was a strange time. On one hand my mom and my aunt wanted me to do all of this, on the other hand they didn’t want me to have any privacy. At one point I got the info, that they were walking around, or entering the flat early in the morning while I was still asleep, which scared the shit out of me. The other time my aunt was making photos of my workspace & other things while I wasn’t home. When I said that I need to change the lock on the door she shouted at me. I didn’t want to stay, but I made a promise.

My grandpa died two weeks ago after suffering cancer for months. It wasn’t at all a pretty process. He didn’t leave peacefully, but rather in great pain. And he didn’t die surrounded by a loving family, but rather surrounded by a circle of people in disarray. I tried to see my grandpa whenever possible. Usually I came from whenever I lived every weekend or every two weeks. We sat down in his kitchen and we talked. I did this for years. I’ve seen him age, loose strength. I treated every meeting with him as if it would be the last one.

Today I’m having a hard time.

I should move out of my grandpa’s place & my mom wants to keep the room he was in for the last two months for herself. They promised to give me some money from the sale of the apartment, but they’re always lowering the amount. I’ve spent all my savings in the last year, so it’s quite hard.

What I despise is that my aunt was discussing inheritance still while my grandpa was still alive. Next to his bed. Talking about what she wants to take. He off course didn’t like that. On one hand it’s not good to see a person only through what will be left of him, on the other it’s I guess good to prepare things so that your family won’t be in disarray once you leave. Everything’s a mess now.

My mom promised to give me 12 thousand euros today from the sale of the place. I should give her the key in two hours, but the price is down from twice the amount and now I’m thinking that there’s a possibility that I won’t get anything and I’ll just be forced to leave.

Now that my grandpa and grandma is dead and after my mom cut me off from my dad’s family I have no-one. They call me “Kazarka” on the side of my mom’s family to make it clear that I’m not part of them. Why then did they make me one of them? Why did they cut me off from everyone from my dad’s family? They just wanted to have me for themselves so that my dad won’t have me. My mom hated my mom ever-since he cheated on her. I understand that, but I don’t understand why they did everything they did to me.

I’m not responsible for the sins of my father.

But now I’m 29 and things are too intertwined. Schemes upon schemes and lies upon lies have made everyone responsible for too much. It’s hard to unwind everything. No one is innocent.

I bear guilt for not taking care of things sooner and relying on my mom’s family telling the truth about many things — my dad, our livelihood, relations. I only started to question what my mom was telling me recently. Off course it made her mad. It made her mad that I wanted to know more about my dad and meet my sister. She cried, she threatened to kill herself. So I never met my sister. I didn’t want to make my mom to break down. Now in high-sight my actions were a mistake and I should have tried to reestablish relations.

I believe I’m seeing my mom for the last time today. She promised to pay me off after I give her the keys to my grandpa’s place, but I’m afraid that she’ll try to pull something off.

I think that a lot of what’s been happening in the last years has been affecting my work and how I interacted with people. It’s not easy to shake off the ways you’ve been learned during the years of incorrect nurture.

In life I’m trying to find a golden path between being not trusting anyone and trusting everyone. If you’re being lied to too often you loose the sense which helps you evaluate a lot of situations. Is that person lying to me? Do they like me? Do they love me? Are they abusing me? You should learn these when growing up and not when you’re an adult.