Bring a side of beef.

When you travel on the #BusJourneyFromHell, you begin to realise why you called it that.

Particularly in Summer.

As Paul Simon said You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away. That is particularly true on the bus. The copious waterfalls of sweat draining off each and every one of us make the floor underfoot treacherous and turn the stairs into their own mini Iguassu Falls.

Of course it doesn’t help that the outside weather consists of high humidity and heat. It’s like walking out of a washing machine into a less than exotic sauna.

Sadly, had I followed the instructions provided by the title of this entry, I’d probably have been able to feed the bus commuters. And that’s another thing. They moved the bus stop.

Well no, they didn’t actually. They just started the journey from the third stop. A fact which despite befuddling some fellow commuters. And angered the remaining ones.

Hot ill tempered commuters. As if that wasn’t enough we have a foghorn on the bus who really doesn’t need the phone she’s using to bollocks the hapless Dean at the other end. She’s that loud.

Sample “conversation” line: A’hm fahkin’ warnin’ yew, Dean. That fahkin’ sket bitch better be gone wen I’m back, or there’s gonna be a fahkin’ good ruck.

Dilemma : does one empathise more with Dean or his foghorn of a girlfriend?

Exactly!

Actually thinking about it, maybe the title referred to the foghorn.

She looked like the pop singer Adele would have done if you’d left her overnight in Greg’s then asked a myopic panda to do her makeup, followed by wiring her to a 600v Tesla plate. And we haven’t even started talking clothing yet.

Her clothing did the talking for her. Mostly it shouted.

It was mostly about Texas — big wide open spaces. Great if you are a state. Not so much if you are a woman of ample proportions, albeit the proportions you used to see in the Hall of Mirrors in cheap fairgrounds.

Most were pleased when she got off the bus. But I don’t fancy Dean’s chances much.

On a completely unrelated matter, I believe there’s an early evening fireworks display in Newhaven tonight…