Following from the front

We often forget those who have gone before, showing us the way. Those whose untrammelled vision allows us to discover new things, places, concepts and new states of mind. In this spirit of recognition I present herewith, that strange breed of women and men for whom showing us the way is taken far too literally.

For them, no standing around moping, but a great deal of sitting (and in certain circumstances, passable levels of moping). They remain constant and true to the path, guiding us all in their singular vision, in a manner that some less educated souls might deem myopic. Ever constant, always unwavering in their intention to bring to us lesser enlightened mortals, the One True Way. I refer, of course, to the drivers of the #BusJourneyFromHell.

Let us greet them and know them better, fellow travellers.

Grumpy Colin

Some might take his passingly grumpy exterior for disinterest or vainglorious anger at the injustices of the world. However this is not so. For Grumpy Colin the path to enlightenment lies in the economy of communication.

Hence, that which you took as a disgruntled grunt, is, in point of fact, an imprecation to you as an as yet unenlightened individual to follow his Zen mysticism, by firstly finding your place in the universe (which, for right now, is one of the many unoccupied seats behind him).

Grumpy Colin is akin to those Martial Arts tutors from the 70s Hong Kong movie stables — apparently gruff and uncommunicative at first, yet garrulous once he gets to know you. At least, I’m hoping he turns out like that. Waste of time otherwise.

Original Mo

Original Mo isn’t. She tries, bless her. In fact she’s the safest of all the drivers on the route. No wild acceleration down the steep blind curve into Newhaven for Original Mo. Original Mo will always greet you chirpily and is not so much grateful as happy that you are along for the ride.

Original Mo has even been known to throw a cheery goodbye to people getting off the bus, which as pretty much anyone travelling by public transport will tell you, is nigh on unprecedented. Even more surprising than this is the the lack of expectation of a response. Original Mo considers it polite for you to respond, but doesn’t hold it against you if you don’t manage it.

Stampy

Stampy seems to be one of the rare breed of drivers who operates in Binary. You’re either stationary or moving, either Accelerating or Decelerating, either on or off, either you are travelling legitimately or you should be fined and thrown off the bus.

Stampy is at his happiest when he hears teeth breaking on the seat in front of you (or the window if you are at the front of the bus). He is from the Bob Newhart School of Bus Driving lessons (little old lady trying to get off at the next stop — accelerator, brake, accelerator, brake — see the way she flew to the front of the bus?)

Tomasz

Tomasz is a thoroughly nice chap. If this were the Second World War he’d be flying Spitfires . As it stands, he’s reduced to driving our buses. Without complaint, it should be added, which is not something you can accuse other drivers of. That having been said, he won’t tolerance idiocy, particularly outside the bus. He’s been known to correct the grammar of those who deem it necessary to sound horns from their BMW in his presence.

You need to understand that in the 70s, BMW was seen as something of a prestige marque. Whereas now it’s the clear indication that you want to spend money and you work in sales. Remember, those who can, do, those who can’t, teach, those who can’t teach, sell.

And that’s all we have time for right now. More drivers will follow. And many of those will lead.