Hump (got the proper)

Cyclists? Don’t get me started. Sadly for them, they are all tarred with the same brush when you use a single word like this. It’s a bit like referring to insects as wasps.

Actually that’s not fair on insects. And it’s just not something that actually happens. So cyclists are in a league of their own.

They should be in a lane of their own but they don’t seem to be able to manage this concept terribly well either and this tends to be what causes the initial invocation of the ire.

So let’s revisit this generalisation before I go ripping into another batch of people who may or may not merit it. You see, when I say Cyclists, you form an image in your head. However as medium is a written medium, it’s difficult for you to know whether I meant Cyclists to be perjorative or kind. Adjectives help of course. But what helps even more is, perhaps bizarrely, perhaps not, the Highway Code.

You see, I could care less whether you look slick and you’re wearing lycra that is barely there for the reduced drag coefficient that has given you that burst of speed that makes us mere mortals fall at your pedals to worship the new gods of the road (see we’re always doing that : we just prefer to do it when you are not looking), or if you’d rather wrap yourself in a bunch of flared trousers that’ll help you sail effortlessly over the handlebars when they catch in the chain. No. Dress how you like. Actually, this goes out to you and lycra clad dress to impress believers. Google “lycra impressive”. You will rapidly find out how wrong you are.

What gets me all elasticated and worked up is the Cyclists who move around under the mistaken impression that they are at the wheel of a car. They hog the road in even worse ways than BMW Drivers. And if you really want me to get hot under the collar, then get me started on the absolute fig munching arse waggling idiocy of the pack of individuals who cycle up the hill from Newhaven to Peacehaven COMPLETELY FUCKING IGNORING THE SPECIALLY CONSTRUCTED AND NEWLY RESURFACED FUCKING CYCLE FUCKING LANE FOR THEIR EXCLUSIVE FUCKING USE.

No, it makes so much more sense to waggle my arse at traffic in the middle of the lane and hold up all the traffic behind me because being overtaken is terrifying.

I can’t wait for hunting season to start. We’ve got a general election soon. If any parties our there are reading this and want to secure my vote, allow me to kill without impunity, any cyclist that demonstrates a failure to understand road safety and fair usage. Those who cycle the wrong way up streets with no provision for them to do so shall henceforth learn to look in multiple directions for their impending imminent demise.

Come on, it’s not much to ask is it?

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