“I Didn’t Get The Text…”

His name was Kenny. I’ve known him since I was a kid when we would have sleepovers at his house when my mom would go out of town for the weekend. I guess you can say we shared a bond with each other because our mothers were good friends since we were born 3 months apart from each other. When I knew him, Kenny was always a cocky, witty, funny, and a smart ass of a young man. Which was probably why he and I got along so well. As we got older, we sort of drifted apart. However when I got invited to his family functions, we would always catch up like we never missed a beat. He was going to turn 21 that August of 2009 and we were planning on going to Vegas to celebrate.
On May 25th, I was watching the NBA Playoffs where the Lakers were going against the Denver Nuggets. I was texting back and forth with a friend of mine about the game on my old Nokia phone. At a certain point I was waiting for my friend’s response to a certain message until I got a notification that my inbox was full. Back then those phones didn’t have the storage to hold a lot of text messages so every now and then you had to clear it out. After I cleared my inbox, my friend’s text message came through and we continued with our conversation.
I didn’t think much of it.
Early the next morning my mom frantically came into my room with tears in her eyes. She could barely get the words out. I was telling her to calm down and to tell me what was going on as I was becoming worried that something terrible had happened. When she finally gathered herself, she told me that she got word that Kenny committed suicide with a gunshot wound to the head. I was in utter shock. How could this happen? I just talked to him a few weeks before. He seemed to be in good spirits. We were talking about how much fun the Vegas trip was going to be. It didn’t make sense. How did this happen?
Later on that day, my mom got more details. She told me that before he took his life he left a letter. And before he pulled the trigger he sent out a mass text message to everybody on his phone.
The message simply said:
“I’ve done it all. I’m done.”
“Did you get that text?” my mom asked me. I never got it. I then thought back to the day before when my phone notified me that my inbox was full. I realized that I deleted Kenny’s last text without even reading it.
“I would have called him and stopped him!” I thought to myself. I was angry at myself for never getting that message. I thought that I could have talked some sense into him. I could have called his family. I could have did something.
Then another thought came to my head. Why? Why would he want to take his own life at just 20 years old? Why didn’t he talk to someone if he was in a dark place? Why didn’t anybody see the signs? Why didn’t I receive the text so I could stop it? Just WHY?!
Going to that funeral was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. His family, who were once happy and had so much joy every time I was around them, were now in so much tragic pain that it still brings me to tears when I think about it. Being at that funeral angered me in more ways then one. I wasn’t necessary mad at Kenny. I was mad at his friends that were around him 24/7. They should have known. They could have prevented this.
However after the funeral when I talked to some of his friends and family. I found out they were just as surprised as me. He showed no signs of it. He was still the same old Kenny. They said every now and then he would party a little too hard and drink a bit too much, but it was nothing out of the ordinary.
However one thing that stuck out to me the most was when his college friends told me that every now and then he would “jokingly” talk about taking his own life. They shrugged it off and figured it was his dark sense of humor which he did certainly had. But it hindsight it was his cry for help.
Looking back at it, I always wish I would have read that text message and called him. I wish I could’ve told him that he is loved. I wish I could’ve told him that he has a lot to live for. I wish I could have stopped him. I wished I had a 2nd chance at changing the future so his family and friends would never feel that type of pain again.
I always would think about the pain his family went through over the years. But I never thought about the impact it left on me. Not receiving that text message has felt like a burden.
That moment in my life has always stuck with me. From then on I told myself that I’ll always be there for my loved ones no matter what. I never want to go to another funeral of a friend or family member because they took their own life.
For the past several years, I have had 3 friends suffer from severe depression and have threatened to kill themselves. And unlike Kenny, I did receive a text message. But this text simply said one word: “Bye.” I would then call them, their family, and the police to make sure they get to them before they harmed themselves. By the grace of God they got the help that they needed.
I also pay attention to the signs and I tend to watch my friends closely when it comes to their behavior. If they are not showing their depressed state, I would know if they are hiding it or not. If I see a post on Facebook or a tweet that seems something out of the ordinary for them, I always reach out and let them know that I’m always there if they need someone to talk too. It can be quite triggering for me because the ones that hide it are the ones that you need to watch out for.

After the death of Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington, it took me back to Kenny. His untimely death came as a shock to his fans and loved ones. Just like Kenny, it came out of nowhere. Even though he appeared that he was in good spirits. He was fighting demons within himself that he would end up losing too. And he was screaming for help within his music and within himself.
“I have a hard time with life,” said Chester in an interview he did back in February of this year. “No matter how I’m feeling, I always find myself struggling with certain patterns of behavior. I find myself stuck in the same thing that keeps repeating over and over again, and I’m just like, How am I in this?’
If I’m [in my mind], I don’t say nice things to myself. There’s another Chester in there that wants to take me down. [If I’m not] getting out of myself and being with other people, like being a dad, being a husband, being a bandmate, being a friend, helping someone out… If I’m out of myself, I’m great. If I’m inside all the time, I’m horrible — I’m a mess. “
Watching the clip from that interview, Chester was using that as a platform to express himself on the demons he has been battling within himself for years. More then anything, this was what possibly Kenny was going through and he was always finding ways to numb the pain when he couldn’t numb it anymore. I can understand this mindset personally because for a brief period of time in my youth, I had those dark thoughts. But I never let it consume me and overtime I got better. For other people that doesn’t seem to be the case, over the years that dark cloud grows bigger and it can become too much. As a friend this is what I always fear. Not having control over the dark emotions you loved ones go through.
For the past 8 years I would think back to that moment and wonder why I didn’t get that text. Over time I realized that everything happens for a reason. I wasn’t meant to read that text. His fate was already sealed and there was nothing I could do about it. What I realized over the years is that it taught me to be more close to my friends and family. Mental health is a real thing and people have different ways of showing it. Some wear it on their sleeve. Others put up a front and make you believe that everything is okay when it reality they are just miserable.
The one thing I learned from that experience is that I just need to be there. When I heard the news about Chester’s death, I reached out to my loved ones just to let them know that I’m here. Through the good times and bad, I will always be there.
Because at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
I’m here..
