Lost story of a rose…
The very innocence of my days turned into a one drastic interesting story I keep telling to my friends.A very interesting story that breaks my heart into pieces,tearing the last face of my own and brought me into something new,stronger,braver,fierce,ambitious yet more loving.
My story is accustomed to everyone else’s story.I began from being the daughter who pray with parents,one who cannot break family rules,cannot speak against them or reason out,always the household child and most expected to excel at school.I grew up family-oriented but not the type to expressed love through words but in actions.The least that I can do to them is to accept and do whatever I am told to do.I can say,I was the most favorite grandchild among grandchildren.
Since I was born,we were living near our grandparents house and since then I knew to myself they loved me more than they love my siblings and cousins.I can still remember my Grandpa (Mama’s father) cuddled me and put me in his lap as soon as he arrived from trip and gave me presents (just nagaraya) but to a child like me,it is overwhelming.Our family is in-lined with Music and Art talents,looking at my grandpa’s painting and saxophone musical instruments and his handcrafted things made so inspired until now because for me it is really adorable.They were very supportive to us at school especially my Grandma because she is a school teacher and I cannot forget she once told me and reminded me not to be get friends with slow learners because according to her it might affect me,I just can’t understand her that is why I did not listen to her.We lived with them until High School until we have to move to other place far them because my father got work in that same place.I missed them so much,they are everything to me but I don’t have any choice but to stick to with my parents and siblings.
Living in a new place with new faces,language and lifestyle at our age is so confusing since I was at 12 years by then.I felt so alone and alien,I was in Public School when I studied Elementary and now we were all enrolled in a Private School.There,I experienced bullies and then I learned now how to fight unlike my old School,back there,was so simple,although there are lots of naughty classmates yet I knew all of them were my friends and I won’t get hurt when we argued or fight.This new school,I feel like quitting,almost cried because I just don’t want to go to school,the awkward feeling.,maybe it was a part of separation anxiety.Later on,I learned new things,adventures that I have’t experience in my old life,drinking alcohol,smoking marijuana,cutting classes,watching porns with my friends,out of curiosity.So much craziness I engaged that I did noticed I already have neglected my studies.
I am an achiever at school,since Kindergarten and Elementary,I did not go down ever since from Top 5 and I nearly got top 2 rank but I just can’t get that ranking and what I have believe back then was I cannot do it,I will always stay in this rank or lower than that because they are more intelligent than me,this is just me.I now realized that back when I was at that age I lack encouragement and motivation from my family.The things that only keep me at the top was to behave and stay as a good student,I can’t even remember I studied so hard.I just did my part,pass all the requirements,do all the assignments that teachers wanted me to do,attend extra curricular activities,of course i was afraid of disappointment.There was no moment in my Elementary years that my parents will not see me on stage dancing,acting and going on stage for pinning of ribbons.But now,all was forgotten.Yes I graduated top 10 in my 6th grade,the last rank,its okay though it hurts a little.That was the last time my parents gone on stage receiving my award,because in my 1st year High School I only ranked 12th,in 2nd year I’m on rank 20 and never did I heard my name topped when I was in my 3rd and 4th year level.
In my Secondary Level years I was influenced so badly by the environment,it had done so much to me that I turned left from right.I started relationship at the age of 13 but of course I did not take it seriously,I even fell in love with a lesbian but did not turn out officially.At the age of 14,I met the man whom I did not expect to turn my world upside-down.This man was my older sister’s ex and in so many reasons they broke up and I accepted him as my boyfriend.
I got into a relationship without my parents consent.My father was overprotecting us that instead of inviting my lover and boys to court me at home,he always threatened me to hurt them.At a young age with feeling of getting ashamed,scolded and battered what I did was I did not let them visit into our house to court me.Since then,we meet outside our house,at school and I even learned to visit my boyfriend in their home.It was the beginning of the changes that brought me to a disaster.
To make it short,I graduated in High School,still my sister’s ex boyfriend is still my boyfriend at those moment.The drifting part of my story started here:
One time Christian,my boyfriend,asked me to go with him to celebrate her mother’s birthday in an island.I nodded and because I know my father won’t allow me to go with him,so I lied.I just told my father I am going to take form 138 of my brothers at school and he permitted me.What I had not anticipated was that there is no other boat on call,it was scheduled to take us at 5pm and I did not have any choice but to stay.After the celebration,I was so anxious and afraid because I know my father at that moment could be waiting at home so mad about me,it was almost 6pm when we arrived at Christian’s home.Because of that fear I decided not to go home anymore,and seriously,I did not.For so many reasons God knows I was really afraid of my father.
I did not knew it but my father knows about Christian and the fears just got worst as I heard his voice outside my boyfriend’s home,he was looking for me,I cried hard,it was a mixed emotion.I was afraid but I pitied on him,he was looking for me because I knew in my heart he cares about me but my fears overcome my heart,I did not go out.
The twist in my story.
The fears that I felt was so strong that I cannot even think of going back home.I stayed at my my bf’s house for days and I did not know when did it started but I was falling in love with Christian seriously,so intense which those feelings of fears and love for my family I forgotten.I continued to live with him for 5 years and within that years my father tried to counseled me and beg for me to go home,but I cannot,I stayed with Christian and I choose instead of my family.Days and months passed,his true identity began to show.When I met him,he was the bad-boy type,handsome and in his long hair,gentle,sweet,kind and I feel so safe when he is with me;my knight in shining armor.When we live together he cooked,clean the dishes and wash clothes for me but then one cannot fake it or maybe his negative was just triggered and unfortunately it burst.
One time he threatened me that he is going to hit me because he was jealous,his insecurities filled him.Later he was doing it to me,I cannot remember everything and every details but he hit me every part of my body he’d like to.I almost was a sex slave,his servant,punching bag but he always tells me he love me,its just that he cannot control his anger even if I wasn’t doing anything to make him jealous.I am home buddy,later a house mother to his daughter and I thought it will changed him and everything will go back to normal but I didn’t. I was living in misery,in a hell,I started to resent it had caused me so much pain.From day to day I regret that I hurt my family and long to go back home.
I plead to God to take me away from the situation I was in to and God answered my prayers,He saved me although my child was left with him but I thank God He was there for me and lift me up.I don’t have a choice but to left my child in their care because Christian won’t allow me.I asked permission from him that I will go back to School and study College for our future and he agreed bargaining my daughters presence.I had left my child bravely,I cried so hard knowing that she’s still young.1 year old at that time,weaned in no time.It was a struggle for me as a mother.
I stayed strong thinking that one day we’ll be together again after I finished my studies but months had passed and Christian went at School telling me that my daughter needed me.He asked me to go back and stay with them but I stand firm despite his threat that he will die if I wont come home with him.
From then God restructured my life,He guide me along the way,took care of me and brought me to people who helped me know Him more.I served Him for almost 2 years before I studied Bachelor of Science in Nursing.In between those years,Christian died of gunshot,as what he had claimed a year ago.I asked God why He took Christian’s life.I admit I prayed heartily that if Christian is not His will for me and won’t change his ways then it is much better to take him away from me but I did not ask God to take his life.At that moment I regret that day I did not go home with him,maybe he is still alive until now.
Life goes on…
I stayed in God’s service and there I met my angel,my boyfriend.Like me,he was a worship leader,instrumentalist,youth leader,young at heart,full of innocence but not with God.He helped me fixed my broken heart and he was an answered prayer too.I don’t have any plans getting into a relationship again,I only prayed to Him that if ever He will allow love in my life again then He will pick that man for me. Jovan, a man next to His heart,God fearing,the guy I needed.I studied in College,I was so in love with God and Jovan…for some reasons,Jovan wanted to break up with me.Before we met he wanted to become a priest,his heart longs to serve God for life.I was hurt,broken…I know I still cannot win.I love Jovan so much but he loves God more than he love me and I love God too.I kneel,I pleaded,I asked but God did not gave Jovan to me…Okay Lord,I will give Jovan to you if that’s your will,with a broken heart I accepted it all.Before Jovan left for Seminary,he told me not worry because someone awaits me,he even described to me his features.I insisted,”I don’t need him,all I need is you.” Maybe God has a greater plan for me.
Life goes on…
This time,I was lost.Lost in worldly things,friends and vices.The heart of God in me did not fade but physically you cannot see Him in me.I met Lawrence along my struggles,I fell in love again,of course God did remember the man in my fervent prayer.He was a bad looking guy with a kind heart,he is not religious in fact he doesn’t go to church on Sundays which God had intervened and changed,he drinks alcohol,smoke cigarette and even take drugs once.I know in my heart He is God’s gift to me.He had helped through thick and thin,accepted me for I am and above all accepted my daughter.From day to day,I just noticed and realized why God gave Lawrence to me.Now I am not the who needed assistance anymore,but him.
I finished College and passed the Board Exam.I am now a Registered Nurse currently working at the Department of Health.Lawrence and I learned so many things in our relationship,grew mature and stronger in Christ running 8 years and counting for more with God’s grace.Of course my I took my daughter from Christian’s family and hopefully stay together soon as I get married.
“She lived a life like that of roses, seen in different colors with so many thorns in it.The beauty that’s seen outside the flower had grown more each day,but it did not stay alive without dying under intense heat, drought and even storms.The water God gave to its roots keep her alive and survived.She almost died but He was her lifeline…”
To God be the glory! ❤ ❤ ❤