How to know when it’s time to quit your job, and how best to do it

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Maybe things have been stale at work for a while now. Maybe you have a new micromanaging boss that you’re positive you can’t work with. Maybe you’re just DONE with those fucking fuckers and you need to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. No matter the situation, knowing exactly when to quit a job isn’t easy, so consider which of the following situations apply before flipping your desk and storming out the front door.

The Stale Job

You’ve been at your job for a while now and the same old duties bore the shit out of you. Regardless, you may not want to leave your job just yet — at least, not before you try a few things first. HR recruiter Holly Oths recommends that you have a talk with your supervisor and see if there may be a special project or new duties you can take on to shake up some of the monotony in your routine. …


‘Ah, time to scrub my mostly-clean toilet with a brush covered in three years’ worth of fecal matter’

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When was the last time you replaced your plunger? You have no idea, do you? Do you even know how you got your plunger? Was it a gift? Maybe it came with the house?

Unless you’re a plumber or a major germaphobe, you probably can’t answer any of these questions. Same goes for your bathroom brush and toilet paper roller and all of your other shit tools. They’re just not really something you think about. …


Why don’t men get dressed up for bed anymore?

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Boxers and a T-shirt: That’s how I’ve dressed for bed since ditching footie pajamas in my childhood, and I don’t ever see it changing. Occasionally, if I’m cold, I’ll wear a pair of thin cotton pants that got I for 12 bucks off Amazon, but that’s about as dressed up as I get for bed.

From what I can tell, it seems to be the same with every guy I know: an old T-shirt paired with a pair of shorts or pants. A survey in 2004 by ABC News found just 13 percent of men wore pajamas, and I’m sure it’s declined even more since then. So whatever happened to pajamas? …


Kids as young as 20 months can figure out who the winner is in a scenario — and they like them better

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Everybody loves a winner! Even toddlers. That’s what researchers from Aarhus University concluded in a new study into toddlers’ understanding of social status.

In front of a group of 23 toddlers, a team of researchers presented two scenarios performed by puppets, with the goal of finding out how the children responded to the “winner” and “loser” in each performance. In the first scene, two puppets approached the center of the stage from opposite ends. They met in the middle, and the loser puppet yielded to the winner puppet. …


DC Comics are already covering up their recent notorious full-frontal Batman reveal. But does that mean it’s time to start investing in rare Bat-junk books?

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Earlier this week, DC released a comic featuring Batman’s dick. But now, just days later, they’re taking it away from us! DC had already scrubbed clean the digital version, but they’ve also promised that future printings of the comic won’t feature what Batman has got going on underneath his utility belt, either.

Which got me thinking: Since this means a limited number of existing Bat-dick issues, and scarcity = value, surely this thing will be worth a crap-ton of money 20 or 30 years from now? …


No matter how much you attempt to pull at those bootstraps

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Not to shit on the American dream here or anything, but the fact is, it really isn’t possible to work your way through college anymore. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, any job you’re going to have while also being able to attend all your classes and get all your assignments done isn’t going to pay close to enough to cover those bills.

First, consider the rising cost of college tuition. “It’s very obvious that college tuition across the board has gone up,” says Randal S. Olsen, the lead data scientist at Life Epigenetics, Inc., who has done several studies on this subject. …


Did you know James Monroe was the first president to ever receive a dick pic?

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As you no doubt heard yesterday, the president has a mushroom dick. But is this and “Yeti pubes” really a new low in American politics, or just run-of-the-mill stuff for the presidency? There was only one way to be sure — round up everything we could find about presidential dicks.

George Washington

While Washington may have been the father of our country, he had no children of his own. Many believe this was because that cherry tree of his was never erect to begin with: Yes, it’s quite possible that Washington suffered from either impotence or sterility.

Despite this deficiency, he would go on to have a most phallic monument in D.C. His dick would become the subject of a controversy in Muscogee County, Georgia, too: In 1999, the superintendent of Muscogee County schools was convinced that in the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, it looked like Washington’s limp dick was hanging out of his pants. In reality, this was just George’s watch fob, but the administrator was so convinced it looked like a dick that he “had teachers’ aides spend two weeks re-painting by hand more than 2,300 fifth-grade textbooks,” reported the Austin Chronicle. On top of that, the publisher got wind of this and edited the image in future versions of the text. …


It’s a fucking list, read it or don’t, I don’t fucking care

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Swearing is great. It just fucking is. Not only does it help to increase your pain tolerance and make you appear more honest, but it’s also basically impossible to stop doing it (reflexively, anyway). Not to mention, cursing is protected by a little something called the First Amendment, which is pretty Goddamn great. Cursing was even affirmed as protected by the Supreme Court in 1971, and in their slightly more eloquent words:

“One man’s vulgarity is another’s lyric.”
— Supreme Court Justice John Marshall Harlan II, Cohen v. California

It probably wouldn’t surprise you, however, to hear that swearing can be illegal in some countries overseas. Although it probably would surprise you to learn that Australia, of all places — the only country more likely than Britain to welcome you with a friendly, “’ello, cunt!” — has anti-vulgarity laws. Meanwhile, in 2016, 50 Cent was arrested for swearing in St. Kitts, after daring to use the word “motherfucker” when performing in front of 40,000 of them. …


You’re not happy they’re gone, it’s just… well, complicated

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Many of us have family members we love by default: They’re your blood, sure, but you don’t really get along. Spending time together is an obligation, not a choice — were they not related, you would never choose to spend time together. So what happens when they die? How are you “supposed” to feel about it?

“The grieving process is private,” says Reverend Barbara from Harlem, who stresses that this is the first thing you need to understand about the situation. Grief counselor Amy Olshever agrees, emphasizing that each person is different and will therefore react differently to each death: No two experiences are the same. …


‘Hi, allow me to explain the finer points of the 1972 UCLA Bruins for the next three hours’

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Maybe your your last date didn’t go so well because all you did was talk about your boring ass job. Perhaps you spent the entire time ranting about what was wrong with The Last Jedi. Or maybe you helpfully mansplained the #metoo movement? Whatever it was, if you left without knowing a single thing about your date apart from the fact that she sighs a lot and her eyes are constantly glazed over, it might be time to find a new way to approach talking about your interests.

How much should I talk about my interests on a date, then?

“On a first date, you should share enough information to keep the conversation going and keep your date interested, but it shouldn’t be information overload,” says Samantha Daniels, dating expert and founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking. And while you might assume it’s safer to stick to safe, polite conversation, Harris O’Malley, author of New Game +: The Geek’s Guide to Love, Sex, & Dating, says, “Generally, I encourage people to talk about the things they’re passionate about on a first date because that’s one of the easiest ways to suss out compatibility.” …

Brian VanHooker

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