Live in My Home, Please

Hello everyone, this is not a robot posting & not a scam, my landlord was supposed to find a third roommate for my place & can’t fill it. So now I’m posting on Craigslist to strangers. You can move in tomorrow. Please come live with me, I’m extremely cool and normal and so is my roommate.

Listen, man. I have a one-eyed 13-year-old cat. Why wouldn’t you want to live with me.

The apartment is mind-blowingly new and beautiful, dishwasher & so much counter space, I have an espresso machine for god’s sake. It’s paradise. The street is quiet and you hear birds chirping in the morning.

YOU GET YOUR OWN PRIVATE BEAUTIFUL BATHROOM. THE SHOWER FALLS LIKE GENTLE RAIN. The room can fit a queen size bed and dresser just fine, and maybe a desk if you’re into small desks. Or a bookshelf, definitely a bookshelf.

We have a nice couch & rug in the living area but nothing else. You can bring stuff, we don’t care. We have a large storage closet that can stash a bike if you like bikes.

Again: You get your own bathroom and you can pet my one-eyed cat. She loves to cuddle.

she only throws up on the rug, like, every four days

Rent is $1150 and then some utilities which work out to ~$100–120. We have very fast internet and a Nutribullet. We live walking distance to 3 different L stops (Halsey is closest, though), 2 M stops, and the JZ. Extremely cheap and good laundry service around the corner.

Your two future roommates (besides the previously mentioned dope cat) are a guy & girl in their 20s. I (the girl, it me) work full-time in SoHo and I love cleaning a lot. I will do your dishes sometimes and vacuum the whole apartment every week. I take out the trash when it’s full. You are not hallucinating and I am not lying, this is all real, you should come live with me.

My roommate is a perfectly fine dude whose major flaws include the one time he got drunk and made spaghetti at 5 am (who among us, though) and playing his death metal just a liiiiittle too loud. Throw on your own music and you’ll be fine.

Please come live with me if you are: Not a smoker, not a couple (sorry lovebirds but you disgust us), don’t have any pets (I’m allergic to dogs, my roommate is at his threshhold with my cat), financially stable (the lease has a required 700 credit thing, but you can get a co-signer). 
Live with me if you like quiet, like cats (ideal, not required, she won’t go in your room), like cleanliness, have never murdered anyone and, frankly, considered murdering anyone.

Showing the apartment literally as soon as someone contacts me, it’s been an open room (& my yoga studio, RIP) for a while now. Also: better photos available on request. Air mattress & yoga mat & bulldog lamp not included, I’m so sorry.

that is my bulldog lamp and you can’t have it.