Different Person, Same Heartbreak

Photo by Aaron Birch on Unplash

I remember a couple of weeks in I texted my mom from a cab saying “Mom, I think this boy is different. I think this could something special.”

I was giddy, a few glasses of wine in, but I couldn’t get past the way being with him made my worries melt, my past fade, and turned my present into magic.

It was just… easy. The way making coffee in the morning is just the right thing to do and the first sip is so good no matter how many mornings you’ve drunken it.

It just felt… real. The way you laugh with friends from college without a care in the world and you’re just yourself without any hesitation.

He was different. He was something special. But he came at the wrong time.

I remember a month in I texted my roommate while I was walking home in Midtown saying “SOS, I might be going crazy. I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I couldn’t. His text was the first thing I’d look for each morning. Our banter was the thing that got me through the day. And when we weren’t talking, I was thinking of him.

Even in his arms or holding his hand, I was thinking of him. I thought about how lucky I was to have found someone who made me feel this crazy.

I was crazy. I was thinking of him. But he came at the wrong time.

I remember one date in. He kissed me by the subway and when we said goodbye I had to lean against a wall to catch my breath. I texted my best friend, “I can’t jinx this.”

So, I gave it one day and then I told her how perfect it was. The jinx was surely gone by then. I told her how my heart exploded when we scheduled date #2 the next afternoon.

And after the second, and after the third, and after the tenth, it still always felt like the first. It felt as if endless new beginnings without an ending in sight.

It felt like I was getting to know someone I was meant to meet and I couldn’t digest it fast enough. I wanted to read every page, re-read it and wake up to the bookmark.

I did jinx it, though. There was an ending. I lost the bookmark. He came at the wrong time.

I remember looking at his nightstand wondering, maybe I should leave this bracelet here. I didn’t know where the thought came from… I guess call it women’s intuition.

He was going through a lot, and I was doing what I could. I thought that maybe I could do more, by giving him the option to do less. I just never thought he’d take it.

I had been there before, the exact same situation and circumstance. It destroyed me and it destroyed someone else, so I thought it was safer to put the option out there.

My intuition was right. I didn’t leave the bracelet. But he did take the out.

And so, I began to think, maybe I’m just meant for heartbreak. Maybe I’m just meant to fall for people, to break apart, and find new ways of putting myself together.

Or maybe I’m the type of person who’s there and ready to give my everything, and eventually I’ll find someone who will give me everything back.

Maybe this just wasn’t the time, but it was a timely reminder that I will be just fine. I will find someone who does all of the above, but would never think of leaving.

He was different. But now, so am I. He just came at the wrong time.

I fell into my old ways, sharing too many feelings and trying to get him back. But I quickly realized, I am more than that.

So, instead of sulking over the difference that I felt with him, I choose to savor in the difference I feel in myself.

I am wise enough to know that he was important to me. I am strong enough to know that he doesn’t need me. I am instinctive enough to know that I deserve more.

He was different, but the story was the same. And I’m ready to write a new chapter, strictly in my name — until someone is different enough to give me theirs.

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