No Matter What

He has Elvis on in the car. The windows are down and the wind is whipping through his hair. It’s late at night and a half moon sits in the sky. He swings his head from side to side, hollering the words to “The Girl of my Best Friend.”
There’s an adventure waiting for him and he knows it. He’s fresh out of college and ready for what’s next. Optimism sweeps through his body. This is the beginning of something; he can feel it. Elvis keeps on crooning. He smiles and takes a deep breath, relaxing his left hand on the steering wheel. This is one of those moments he wants to capture. It’s the right amount of everything.
His phone rings and disrupts the moment. It’s his dad. His mom’s in the hospital again. His heart runs straight to his throat. Anger boils up inside him. Why does this keep happening?
He steps on the gas and heads for the hospital. Tears accumulate in his eyes. What if this is it? He tries to shake the thought. Elvis’ voice is drowned out by his thoughts.
Twenty minutes later he stands next to his father in the hospital lobby. His brother isn’t there yet. His dad paces back and forth, then stops every so often to mumble something incoherent. He stands stock still lost in his own head.
He remembers little things from the past. He thinks back to the time he took his mom to the Broadway show downtown. It ended up exceeding his expectations. Mostly because he enjoyed talking with his mom. She is such a fascinating person. She always tried to connect with him regardless of where he was at in life. He admires her and wishes he would’ve done more, been better.
His dad stops pacing and turns toward him. His eyes are those of a lost puppy. He tries to smile at his dad to take a little of the pain away. It’s a weak smile, though, and his dad is distracted for obvious reasons.
It’s not that he ever thought his loved ones were invincible; he just never faced the possibility of someone so close to him being gone. He walks over to his dad and puts his arm around him. His dad seems to really notice him for the first time since he arrived. His dad nods and pats his knee.
The doctor comes walking out of the double doors. His brother comes running into the lobby. He helps his dad to his feet. The three of them approach the doctor together.
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The gravestone says, “She loved her family and friends. She went home to be with the One she lived her life for.”
He studies the words etched on the stone. His whole body is numb; he feels as though he’s standing outside himself. His brother stands next to his father. They’re whispering about something. What he wouldn’t give to touch her hand one more time. What he wouldn’t give to wrap her up in a hug one more time. What he wouldn’t give to hear her laugh one more time.
The pain surrounds his heart and beats on the walls. Even though he’s numb, he’s on fire. He rubs his hands together and presses them against his lips. He shakes his head slowly from side to side. He opens his palms and stares at his hands.
Without warning, he begins pounding the ground and screaming. He curses any and every god. He punches the ground so hard that his hand begins to throb and bleed. His brother dives on him and wrestles him till he stops resisting. Tears stream down his face and fall on the soft grass. He lies in his brother’s arms, his body shaking uncontrollably.
His father approaches his two sons. His face is a contorted mask of pain. He squats down and puts his hands on their shoulders. None of them say anything.
He’s calm now, standing a foot away from her grave. His brother and his dad went home for the night.
“Moms.” He starts, but his voice is shaky. He is the only one in the graveyard. “Remember — Remember that time we were on the back porch and you told me you love me no matter what. Well, I never forgot that. I should’ve — I should’ve said it back. I just want you to know that — “ he chokes. The words are stuck in the back of his throat. “ — know that, I love you no matter what, too. No matter what.”
The sun is setting and he’s still there. He sits by the grave, one hand on the top of it. How’s he supposed to go on? Who’s he going to call when he needs that advice that only your mother can give? He took too much for granted. He took it for granted that she would always be on the porch when he shows up at the house. She can’t be gone. This is just a nightmare, he tells himself. But the emptiness inside tells him differently.
He stands up. He doesn’t want to leave but staying won’t help anymore. Suddenly, he dives toward her. “Mom!” He screams at the top of his lungs. “Don’t leave me, mom!”
He pauses and listens to the silence. He collapses on his back and closes his eyes. It’s time to go. He forces himself to stand. He steadies his breathing. He gazes at the grave.
“Rest easy, moms,” he whispers. Then he pivots and walks away into the night.
