Broken Pandora Box | Addressing my pain
This is C3, and I wanna talk to you. Here is my online journal:
I’ve used the statement that I’ve never been a virgin. I bet you’re wondering what I mean by that. Well between The approximate ages of five years old and 11 years old I was molested by my older cousin. My perspective of sex and physical touch has been skewed ever sense. As a result I have made some very unruly decisions.
My cousin and I never had a really good relationship besides us playing together. So when he said “if you do this I’ll be nice to you “, I thought nothing of it. In my mind, I actually thought that he would be nice to me forever after that one time. Little did I know this would start a trend that would carry-on for years. Every time I wanted him to play with me he would ask me to do something different. I was happy for a while because I had someone to play with, but I always felt dirty afterwards because I never felt right about what would happen. One specific instance I remember him forcing me into handcuffs on the inside of the house near the kitchen. I wanted him to stop so bad that my words were “I will do whatever you want just stop please”. Next thing I know we were outside of the house and I was on my knees in front of him. I don’t know why no one walked outside to see why we were so quiet for so long. It honestly felt like it took forever for him to finish and after everything was said and done he did not speak to me for the rest of the day. But then night came. He owned a bunkbed and I typically slept on the bottom. He would make his way down and do whatever he could think of to pleasure himself to me. One year I got smart and started sleeping on the top bunk which slowed the down the night visits and I eventually stopped sleeping in the room all together.
Now, I’d like to plead the case for those of us who have experienced similar treatment from relatives and close family friends. It’s not that we didn’t think it was wrong, it’s that we felt silenced by our participation in the act. Reality is, I had no other examples of what cousin interaction should look like so although I felt that something was wrong I didn’t know what was actually wrong. In many cases, we were supposed to be able to trust the individual who betrayed us. The affliction came from within my safe space! I should have been safe with someone who was not a stranger in place that was a refuge from the common people. But not so.
Since then, I asked my cousin why he did so much to me in my younger days. His response was short but sufficed considering I didn’t expect much in the first place. He said, “I wish i could give u a better answer then i don’t know. I wish it didn’t happen and im sorry…”, his exact words in my Facebook inbox. It’s short, but I was overwhelmed with peace after reading those words. I’m willing to talk about it and I’m not angry. I’ve decided to blog because someone somewhere will relate and see that they can grow from their experience and utilize it to their benefit as well.
This isn’t the end of the story, but it’s the end of the blog. I’ll share different experiences and possibly give more details as well in future blogs. Let me know what you think!
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