He knew I would do it and still decided to die. (Romans 5:8)
This is C3, and I wanna talk to you. Here is my online journal:
At the age of 19, I made a choice that would prove to haunt me for the next few years. At the age of 22, I would decide that it’s time to heal from the guilt of such a selfish decision. I am writing this on Good Friday. My journey to this moment has caused others so much pain and even some shame. My journey has been a result of not being able to accept the forgiveness that God had in store for me with the plan of Calvary. Before I begin, please accept my apology. To so many of you that I have damaged, cursed, disregarded, ignored your plea, and even found myself mad at you because I was unable to accept a love I did not believe I deserved. You were right, and I’m so thankful for your words that have echoed while I have staggered on this journey.
I am so amazed at the amount of Grace that Jesus needed to have the insight on the monstrosity of sin and brash actions in which I would deny Him consistently and still say, “nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done” (Luke 22:42). Recently, I’ve had to ask for grace a lot. I mean, A Lot. My capacity to deal with my own short falls is minimal and often leads me to numbing myself instead of feeling the pain and emotion and being vulnerable before God. As I grow in Christ, I realize that one of my many issues is surrender. I lack the brokenness or willingness to be completely surrendered in God’s eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I can definitely humble myself long enough to experience God; especially considering I am a worship leader, some form of surrender is needed indeed. But when you encounter God, He requires that you leave better than you came, and for me it was so uncomfortable for me to admit that I was harboring anger against myself and even harder for me to admit that I didn’t want to forgive myself.
So to the point, at the age of 19 decided to begin having sex unprotected. as a result I had one point found myself pregnant. If I may be honest, making this statement has brought so much freedom in just a few moments it took to record. Moving forward, I told a handful of people about my situation. As a result of my position and the people that I knew I felt as if I was forced to have an abortion. This was not at the influence of someone else, it was fully a decision that I made. The father of my child was not in support of my decision; which made me part of the reason why it took me so long to receive forgiveness for myself. I had a hard time understanding how I got to that moment. You could not have told me that at the age of 19 I would be at a clinic waiting for my name to be called so that I could end the life of an innocent child. So here we are on Good Friday (the day I wrote this) and the realization has hit me that Jesus knew what I would do before I did it still decided to die. My abortion that cause myself so much pain it’s self-inflicted addictions and the tearing down friendships that I cannot count or number how often it is probably been an underlying issue in my life. Not to mention that a few months later I would find myself pregnant again but this time I would not decide to have an abortion, I would just have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I have put myself in the same situation and unfortunately stress myself out so much to have a miscarriage.
In all honesty, I can not fathom how God could know I would betray him and still love me. Scripture blatantly told us that shalt not kill, yet he decided before the foundations of the world to offer himself as a blood atonement for my sins. I no longer hold myself to shame and guilt. My heart is still healing from the decisions I made but I’m confident that God is not mad at me. I won’t even be mad at myself.
If you’ve made less than glamorous decisions in your life, I encourage you to talk to God and then to yourself about why you felt the need to make that choice and finally forgive yourself!
― C.S. Lewis