Is anybody out there? | Skewed Perspective
I’m C3, and I want to talk to you. This is my online journal.
I often feel misunderstood, alone, forgotten, frustrated and powerless because I see things differently. But as a Christian, I’m not usually allowed to express those types of feelings leaving me almost voiceless. My faith has always been a huge part of my life so there wasn’t much thought of leaving the religious organization. And although there may be a few people I disagree with within the religion, I cannot dispute the infallible word of God itsself.
Let me explain my worldview! I’ve been left for dead, for lack of better terms, more than one time. Abandoned by family physically, emotionally and financially. Left by ‘friends’ who said they would never walk away from me, and forgotten by people who were so enamered by what I could do. With these experiences being the bedrock of my viewpoint, it’s difficult to see or feel any different in life because certain scenarios become predictable.
I love my Dad and I’m learning to love my father. My Dad is my ‘step-Dad’, the man who raised me for a good portion of my childhood until he no longer could. My Father is the man who had fun with my mom one night and then left to live in the Golden state of California. I can’t say I’m a mommies baby because I wanted to do everything with my Daddy (step or biological), I just wanted to be with him. Growing up and watching other girls leave school with their dad or talk about their daddy daughter dates was hard. I could easily be labeled a hater due to the fact I only disliked the stories because I didn’t have that myself. I vividly remember sitting in the 2nd grade class explaining to the other kids why my last name was Aldridge and not Croom. Obviously lying, but trying to save face because I wanted my dads last name and they were soon to be divorced. Towards the end of that day, I broke down crying because I hadn’t seen my daddy in a few days and I just wanted him back. But the reality was I would see him less and less as I got older. I don’t think I want to address my biological father in this journal. I’ve literally started crying already. I can still feel the pain of missing him even though he’s a phone call away.
Friends. What are those? I have plenty of people who love me for what I can do, but can’t stand to find out who I really am or why I am the way I am. I mean to be honest, I’ve learned to live in a corner so I can see you but you can’t see me. I’m aware of my strange mentality and awkward conversational skills so I pull away naturally. But in the last few years I’ve tried to actually make friends. Needless to say I’ve failed miserably. Recently, I had a ‘best-friend’ breakup. I’m not sure of what she would say happened, but I will say that I saw it coming. Every so often I would do something from my self centered perspective that would cause for her to have a heart to heart with me. In the last few months of our friendship I had garnered at least 5 from her. So in my mind it was inevitable and I began to prepare for it. Looking back, I thoroughly enjoyed our time together and can honestly say I learned so much from her. But I still don’t understand friendship. Maybe I’m just deep but, shouldn’t both parties have grace for the other. I mean, I’ve had to extend grace to people I didn’t even like… but I guess that’s not what we’re talking about here. What I’m saying is, I don’t have friends I’m the literal sense, I have associates who are cordial.
Above I have given my account of why I tend to feel misunderstood and much like an island in the midst of the ocean. Maybe I’m just needy… Maybe i expect too much… Maybe this is normal and I’m putting too much emphasis on irrelevant issues << that phrase is extremely ironic or moreso oxymoronic.
Lo, I will be with you always. Even until the end of the earth. Matt. 28:20
As I grow in Christ, I’m reminded of His suffering and that He truly is touched by the feelings of our infirmities. I can stand still and know that He’s my God and that in moments like these He is all the more a present help in my trouble. I’m even more comforted by the fact that His strength is made perfect in my weakness so I have every right to be human and feel the feelings. You also have every right to feel the way you do, but grow from it! Learn through it! Don’t allow your past to keep you hostage; I’m going to be my best me!
Well, this has been a trying blog for me. I’m emotionally drained and need a break but my prayer is that someone can relate and that you no longer feel as if the isolation is just for you. I feel it myself, and someone told me that they felt it too. I’m just here to tell you.
This has been C3, and I can’t wait to talk to you again!
Photo Cred: ACTPhotoMedia (Aleka C. Thrash)