Self Reflections of a Sleep Deprived Mind

Today marks day four of virtually no sleep, and I’m finally tired. Well I’ve been tired the whole time but now if I laid down I know I could sleep. So whats the problem? The problem is, it’s just after two in the afternoon, if I go to sleep now, I’ll be up by 5 or 6pm and I’ll stay that numbly awake for another 12–16 hours, only to catch another 2–4 hours of Z’s before rinsing and repeating. Now ironically after not being able to rest for four long days I have to force myself to stay awake another 10 drab hours to get my schedule back.

Thing is, this isn’t the first time, I know I am prone to insomnia, and as much as I would like to blame my military service and would love to blame a saucy minx of a woman keeping me up at night, Truth is it’s most likely my own damned fault. I have a shit diet, I don’t exercise, and my mood is about as cheeky as a corpse. While I don’t see those flaws being addressed anytime soon(Fucking tragic right?) I have figured out a few band-aid solutions. I know that as long as I avoid food and drink after certain hours, don’t sleep in or stay up too late, and avoid my bedroom (a quarter of my shit apartment) during the day, I can mostly maintain a semi healthy sleep schedule. So how then, did i get here?

Maybe Its because i fed myself after midnight(see what i did there). Maybe I stayed up till 5am polishing off a bottle of “Makers”, then going comatose till three in the afternoon. It might even be that I had one too many 12 o’clock self love sessions in the “night-time-only” section of my residence. Let’s also not forget the possibility that it might be a varied combination of the afore mentioned things. If you chose option D, all the above, then you win a self administered pat on the back(warm and gentle now). The next question to ask is why? All those mistakes are fairly easy to avoid right? Whats the deeper reason? Weirdly enough, I enjoy it. My insomnia makes me special, most people can’t go a single workday without feeling grumpy and groggy, Not me, I can go many days. I get a feeling of romanticism and drama meets damaged conflicting functionality. Imagine Tyler Durden meets Dr. House. After the second day, everything is foggy, yet honest and alive. The world shifts, warps, and bends at the trailing edge of my peripherals. Fatigue scratches at the back of my psyche yet a stubborn alertness overrules the demand of sleep. The only reason I don’t completely embrace a lifestyle of repeated four day stretches broken by a short hiatus is because, a productive member of society, I would not make.