Some Things Taste Like Home II

I

"The beginning of everything is ever so frightful and uncertain."

In the beginning, I killed your mother and hoped you'd understand. She was the love of my life and five years before I made the decision to kill her, I found her in a place no one comes up from. But she did. She rose from that pit where all things sit, uncertain, and her smile brightened my life for the next five years.

Then came time for you to come around.

Your mother had the sharpest laughter I have ever heard. Her cackle would reverberate in a room, echo outdoors and rouse the saddest of men from their sadness. She was my epiphany. In her eyes, I found understanding of the ultimate and inevitable truth: love covers all things.

But you had to come along. It was your time.

Your mother never wanted to see anyone hurt. It broke her to see broken people. Maybe it's because she had been broken once. Maybe it was because she was one of the Cherubs in charge of wholeness. Maybe it's just the way it is with people like her. But, she hated to see broken people.

And she never wanted to see me broken. But, you had to come along.

One time, your mother and I were at a hospital, waiting to be scanned to determine the gender of her baby. While waiting, she walked into an emergency ward and spread her smile to every single broken person in that room. Your mother laughed like a God and smiled like the early morning sun.

I wish you could have met her. But, the two of you cannot share the same earth.

When the doctor looked into my eyes and told me that only one of you could live, something snapped inside me. Your mother was my sun and my star. She was my light and my salvation. She was the very essence of brightness in my life. And now, I had to choose between her and our seed. She felt my burden; she could tell that u struggled between the choices. She knew I would and she knew when I did.

"You know you have to let me go, right?"

Her voice was so soft but her words stung like a piece of broken glass. I wanted to look into her eyes and told her I understood and that it was important our child lived. I wanted to tell her I could be strong. I wanted to hold her hand and whisper that I'd cherish her memory. But the words died inside me. Two choices: cut her open and save the baby or flush the baby out and save my sunshine.

In the beginning, I killed your mother and hoped you'd understand that I did it to keep you here. She was the love of my life and nothing has broken me more than watching her breathing stop, forever.

Love, 
- Benji.