The Ultimate Guide to Parenting Styles: 1 Method Outperforms All

Does parenting make you feel like a failure sometimes? Have you ever thought, I have no idea what I’m doing as a parent?

Have you noticed how everyone around you is an expert on child-rearing when you’re having a bad day with your kids?

It seems like everyone has an opinion about your parenting style, including people that have never parented. What’s worse is that experts don’t always agree on what works best either.

Most parents get discouraged at times. Many of us feel judged, but the truth is, we’re all in the same boat. Kids don’t come with operating manuals, so we’re left to figure it out as we go.

If you want to know more about parenting styles, how to identify yours, and what works best, look no further. Learn the surprising method that works best and improve your parenting skills today.

Why Should You Care About Parenting Styles Anyway

Parenting styles shape the emotional climate that characterizes a child’s home environment. Parenting behaviors develop from a combination of factors that evolve over time.

There are essential correlations between parenting styles and outcomes on children’s behaviors. Your parenting style must support healthy growth and development. The way you interact with your child will shape them for the rest of their life.

It’s easier to identify what impact your behaviors have on your child when you understand parenting styles psychology. Once you understand the concepts, there are helpful techniques you can adopt to overcome some common parenting hurdles.

And this information can help you navigate the most important job you’ll ever have in life — BEING A PARENT.

Were Your Parenting Skills Shaped by These 4 Research-Based Parenting Styles?

Developmental psychologists have researched how parents affect child development. But, finding links between parenting and child behavior can be difficult.

Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist, developed the Baumrind Parenting Styles.

Baumrind’s research distinguished what parenting behaviors produced the happiest, most well-adjusted children, and which practices caused the most significant problems for children.

Baumrind discovered two essential elements that could help shape successful parenting.

Responsiveness: How much independence you’re willing to grant.

Demandingness: How much obedience you demand.

These two behaviors define your dominant parenting style. In 1967, Baumrind introduced three parenting styles: Authoritative, Responsive, and Authoritarian.

In 1983, psychologists Eleanor Emmons McCoby and John Martin added a fourth style known as Uninvolved or Neglectful. So what does all of this mean?

Illustration by Joshua Seong, Verywell: https://www.verywellfamily.com

Think back to your childhood. If the walls could have talked in your home, what would they have said?

Let’s say you kicked your brother in the shin and took away his Pokémon card. Don’t lie; you know you did something like that when you were a kid. Okay, maybe you were a little angel, but you get the idea.

If you were in a home that practiced authoritative parenting, your parents might have sent you to your room. They may have talked to you about why hitting and taking something that doesn’t belong to you is wrong. They were supportive and encouraged you not to engage in this type of behavior in the future.

If your parents practiced authoritarian parenting, they might have screamed at you. They may have spanked you and sent you to your room without dinner. They likely offered you no support or guidance. When you cried, they may have said; I’ll give you something to complain about if you don’t stop.

Let’s say you had permissive parents. They may have threatened punishment but never followed through. They most likely ignored your behavior and let the issue escalate or resolve on its own. The home environment may have felt chaotic and out of control.

If your parents used the uninvolved style of parenting, they were busy watching television or doing their own thing. Most likely, they didn’t even know what was going on.

These influences may have shaped your parenting. Which style best describes the way you parent now that you have children? Do you see any influences from your childhood experiences in the Baumrind descriptions below? Did you turn into your parents, or did you go in a different direction?

Name Your Baumrind Parenting Style

Now that you have a better understanding of some parenting behaviors of each style, can you identify your parenting style with these statements?

Authoritative Parenting (Supportive with structure)

• You want your child to have some control over decisions.
• You hold your child accountable but explain your actions when responding to negative behavior.
• You want your child to be successful and capable of self-determination.

Authoritarian Parenting (Strict structure and harsh discipline)

• You’re in charge, not your child.
• There will be pain and consequences for negative behavior.
• You sometimes shame your child and withdraw love as punishment when they disobey.

Permissive Parenting (Indulgent but lacks structure and boundaries)

• You want to be your child’s friend.
• You want to be extremely involved with your child, but you don’t want to demand too much or place controls over your child.
• If you ignore your child’s behavior, they will eventually make the right decisions on their own.

Uninvolved Parenting (Disengaged or neglectful)

• You’re content letting your child learn from the school of hard knocks.
• You don’t need to have rules. You don’t need to know where your child is or what they are doing.
• You have a lot on your plate. You’re overwhelmed. They will have to figure things out on their own.

By now, you may be thinking, my parents might have parented in this way, but times have changed, and new ways of raising children have developed. What if I don’t fit any of these parenting style descriptions?

Baumrind’s Parenting Styles started the ball rolling on identifying parenting style behaviors and effects on children. But over the years, new techniques developed. More modern parenting techniques emerged, and new styles were born.

Today’s Parenting Styles: Which One Describe’s You Best?

Things have indeed changed. Many of today’s trending styles are variations of the four generally accepted methods. But, there are some subtle differences between them.

Slow Parenting (Hands off and relaxed in approach)

Slow parenting is about balance. The aim of this parenting style is for parents to micromanage kids less and give their kids more space and freedom to just be themselves. Parents can get wrapped up in the fast pace of our world and push their kids too much. This style pushes back on that philosophy.

• You give your child space to discover and explore the world at their own pace.
• You limit your child’s access to electronics and focus on simple toys and activities.
• You promote a relaxed and hands-off approach to raising your child and educating them.

Tiger parenting (Focused on high achievement and discipline)

Opposite to Slow Parenting, tiger parents tend to push hard for excellence and high performance. A child is expected to be disciplined, to respect authority without question, and to pursue excellence in everything he does.

• You expect your child to do what you say immediately and without question.
• Your child must pursue excellence in everything he does. Failure is not an option.
• You compare your child’s accomplishments to other children. You shame them if you don’t feel they measure up to the standard you’ve set.

Helicopter parenting (Extremely involved and overly protective)

Helicopter parents control everything their children do. They are excessively involved in the decisions their children make from picking their friends to what coaches and teachers their children have. They have difficulty allowing their children to solve problems for themselves.

• You need to be right beside your child at all times, just in case something happens.
• You need to be part of every decision your child makes.
• You need to solve all of your child’s problems for her.

So what’s next? What effect does all of this have on your children?

On the surface, some styles seem like the perfect way to parent. But, be aware of behaviors that can potentially cause psychological harm for your child as they mature.

Hidden Dangers of Parenting Style Behaviors: Are You Practicing Any Of These?

You know what questions to ask yourself for each style of parenting. But can any of these styles have harmful effects on your child’s emotional development?

The answer is...

Permissive Parenting Effects On Kids

Parents using the permissive style avoid controlling or regulating their children’s behavior. Lack of discipline and structure can lead to children having difficulty with self-control.

Children are less aware of the limits of acceptable behavior. When faced with stressful situations, they tend to use aggression to cope with their emotions. They are more prone to delinquency, substance abuse, over-eating, and poor social skills.

Uninvolved Parenting Effects On Kids

The uninvolved style parent typically has very little emotional involvement with their children. They are often dismissive and neglectful. Kids in this environment can become emotionally withdrawn.

Children parented in this style tend to feel more fear, anxiety, and stress. Academic performance tends to suffer. They are more prone to attachment disorders later in life. The loneliness that comes from this parenting style can push kids to look for unhealthy ways to fill the void and emotional pain.

Slow Parenting Effect On Kids

Slow parenting often means that children have a lot of freedom — more freedom than may be healthy for a child. Unsupervised children can engage in activities that are not appropriate for their age.

Slow parenting can sometimes create similar issues as uninvolved parenting. Children may feel unloved, which can lead to anti-social tendencies later in life. Depression and anxiety are common among children who have experienced slow parenting.

Tiger Parenting Effects On Kids

Tiger parenting is exceptionally demanding. The pressure to perform often makes children feel they never measure up to parent’s expectations.

The pressure of excelling can be so great that children experience higher levels of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and thoughts of suicide. They tend to be extremely critical of themselves and have trouble integrating socially.

Of all parenting styles, there are two that need a more in-depth explanation. The negative results of these may not be as evident at first glance.

Helicopter and Authoritarian Parenting Styles: Proceed With Caution

You probably notice some common adverse outcomes in each parenting style, such as anxiety, depression, and poor social skills. But two prevalent parenting styles have more subtle adverse outcomes. Beware of what may seem like a great way to parent.

Helicopter parenting and authoritarian parenting are examples of two extreme styles of parenting. One aims to be overly protective and involved. The other is too strict and demanding.

Both have good traits, but the intensity in their style is what causes the most significant problems for children.

Helicopter Parenting Effects on Kids

Helicopter parenting can have both positive and negative outcomes. Too much hovering and involvement by a helicopter parent can cause a child to lack confidence in their ability to make decisions. But being involved and present in a child’s life is a great thing.

Some studies have proven that kids who come from homes practicing helicopter parenting feel supported, have a sense of community and feel connected. They feel seen and known by their parents.

This Washington Post article referencing Alfie Kohn’s book, The Myth of the Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom About Children and Parenting, notes the difference between “hovering” and “controlling.” The writer makes some positive points about when hovering may be beneficial during the young adult, college phase of life.

On the flip side, Helicopter Parenting can have extremely adverse effects on children later in life, such as emotional and physical health problems, lack of self-regulation skills, and dependency on medication for pain, anxiety, and depression.

Helicopter Parenting often takes a child’s experiences, both good and bad, away from them. Helicopter parents are known to over-parent. Over-parenting is over-perfecting and overbearing to the point that it is unhealthy for both parent and child.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I give my child enough alone time?
• Do I allow my child to choose her friends without interfering?
• Do I let my child do his own homework even when he doesn’t ask for my help?
• Do I let my child settle her arguments with friends without getting involved?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you might be falling into the hidden traps within Helicopter Parenting.

Over-controlling parenting can negatively affect a child’s ability to manage her emotions and behaviors.

Children that experience continued over-controlling parenting have lower emotional intelligence/emotional quotient (EI/EQ) and lack the confidence needed to adjust and succeed in college and the workplace. Emotional intelligence or quotient is the ability to identify our own emotions as well as other people’s emotions and effectively control and communicate feelings.

Authoritarian Parenting

An authoritarian parent uses threats, punishment, and one-way communication as a primary tool for behavior control. Gwen Dewar, PH.D., describes authoritarian parenting as akin to boot camp where the parent is like a drill sergeant.

In her article, The authoritarian parenting style: What does it look like? Dewar explains some of the differences between authoritarian and authoritative parenting.

Authoritarian parenting is about power and control. Baumrind’s research indicates that authoritarian parenting is more about the strict structure and less about nurturing and open, two-way communication found in authoritative parenting.

A parent using an authoritarian approach typically feels it’s their way or the highway. There is minimal, if any, negotiating rules or decisions.

There can be good outcomes associated with authoritarian parenting. There is 100% clarity of expectations and consequences so that the child can understand boundaries with less confusion. There are clear goals with high expectations for achievement.

Children often have an easier time creating goals and accomplishing them as they mature in life when they’ve been under an authoritarian rule. Do you demonstrate any authoritarian parenting traits? If you agree with the following statements, you may be more of an authoritarian style parent than you realize.

• Hugging my child when she messes up, promotes weakness.
• Yelling at my child is the best way to get his attention.
• Spare the rod, spoil the child.
• There is no negotiating in my house. I set the rules.

Just like helicopter parenting, the adverse effects of authoritarian parenting can be troublesome. Children parented in an authoritarian style tend to have learning challenges, low self-esteem, poor social skills, and difficulty adjusting to new environments. Research has shown that kids raised in the authoritarian parenting style struggle with relationships. They tend to test boundaries and rebel against authority.

Children are less likely to open up when there is a problem. The stifling home environment causes a child to suppress or hide emotions in an unhealthy way. Suppression is particularly problematic as they mature and often leads to alternative coping methods as a means of dealing with negative emotions.

Most parents have good intentions. It helps to know what parenting style will work best for specific situations. Checking your emotional barometer will help, too.

Are you ready to find out your dominant parenting style once and for all? Take the Parenting Styles Quiz.

Find Out Your Parenting Style: Take the Parenting Styles Quiz

You are faced with challenges and choices every day. Kids are resilient, and it’s never too late to adjust how you interact with them.

Discover your parenting style with this simple Parenting Styles Quiz. After identifying your parenting style, you will be able to determine which techniques you should incorporate into your parenting plan.

Try not to stress over what you’re currently doing as a parent. You are reading this guide because you want to be a great parent. You’ve taken an essential step in the right direction.

But where do you go from here? Start by knowing how to identify red flags in your child’s behaviors.

7 Red Flags In Your Child’s Behavior You Should Watch For

Every child is different, but there are a few signs that can give you clues as to how your parenting is currently affecting your child. Observe what positive or negative behaviors your child demonstrates under stress.

Look for these clues:

• Your child is exhibiting signs of low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety.
• Your child is performing poorly in school.
• Your child lacks self-control.
• Your child is acting hostile or aggressive.
• Your child is having health issues, often involving stomach problems, headaches, and poor eating habits.

Many different issues affecting your child can cause these signs. It’s essential to take notice and investigate further when you think something may be wrong. Other factors outside of your control can also cause these symptoms. Start with checking your own behaviors and go from there.

If you pick up on some red flags, shift to a more productive and healthy approach in your parenting. Don’t be afraid to let your child know when you mess up. The best thing you can teach your child is that people make mistakes and that’s okay. It’s what you do after that counts.

There are limitations and criticisms of parenting style research. A child’s temperament can play a significant role in parenting outcomes. Many other factors, such as cultural norms, can impact how a child responds to parenting as well.

When all else fails, try YouTube. Even TV moms and dads can teach us a thing or two about parenting styles and their effects on kids.

What style parenting did you guess Red was using? If you said authoritarian, you are correct. Did the video bring back any memories of your childhood?

Now that you can identify some pitfalls such as ones associated with the helicopter and authoritarian parenting, what do you think is the most effective parenting style? You guessed it; authoritative parenting has proven to have the best outcomes on children’s behavior.

Authoritative Parenting: #1 Best Method When Raising Children

Visualize your relationship with your child when they are an adult. What does that look like in your mind’s eye? What do you want your child to achieve and experience?

What behaviors might you need to change? According to the research, there is one parenting method that stands above the rest.

This video presentation takes a closer look at what parenting style has proven to work best for children.

Research has found that proper nurture, independence, and firm control produce children with higher levels of competence. Children are more socially skilled and proficient.

Authoritative parenting is responsive to a child’s emotional needs, sets limits, and is very consistent in enforcing boundaries. Authoritative parents allow autonomy and encourage independence. Authoritative parents are more attuned to their children’s needs and involve their children in important life decisions.

Children who have been parented by the authoritative approach:

• Tend to be happy and content
• Are independent and self-reliant
• Develop good social skills
• Have good emotional self-control
• Explore new environments without fear
• Cooperate with peers
• Tend to achieve higher academic success

Because children feel supported and have a voice with this parenting style, they can learn how to negotiate, become self-reliant, develop self-discipline, and have increased self-esteem.

They tend to be better at regulating their emotions and perceive that their parents are open and sensitive to their needs.

Nurturing and responsiveness are the keys that make this parenting style work so well. Are you parenting in an authoritative style? Do you agree with these statements?

• I encourage my child to talk about her feelings.
• I respect my child’s opinions and encourage her to express them even if they are different from my own.
• I take my child’s wishes and feelings into consideration before I ask him to do something.
• I try to help when my child is scared or upset.

Parents in the authoritative parenting style take time to explain and discuss rules and reasons for their decisions. For this reason, children are more likely to internalize lessons.

Authoritative parents tend to have reasonable expectations. The parent-child relationship is a partnership that includes healthy, two-way communication.

Of all parenting styles, research shows that an authoritative parenting style achieves the most favorable results with children.

Parenting Style Takeaways: You’ve Got This!

Many parents have fears and doubts about their parenting style. But not you. You have the tools you need to improve your parenting outcomes significantly.

Being a parent is hard work! But you’ve got this now. You have the secret to surviving the most challenging parenting situations you will face.

You know the number one parenting style that outperforms them all! You’re an authoritative parenting extraordinaire.

You give your child some autonomy and encourage independence with a healthy balance of guidance and nurturing.

You’re not afraid to face those tough times. You give yourself grace. And above all else, you lead and follow with love.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, so just be a real one. Sue Atkins

The best gift you can give a child is you!