Surely there is more than this?
So this is my first blog entry. I’m 37 years old, recently separated, no children, own one amazing old dog and have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life.
So I’ve started this blog as firstly a record of my journey that starts today, and secondly for anyone else that feels the same way as me to know they are not alone.
I’ve always had this little niggling feeling, way down deep but always there, that there is more to life than this. More than working a job I hate to pay off a house that is to big for my needs, more than owning a car that is better than my friends, more than slogging my guts out all week just to look forward to having a few drinks on the weekend before slogging my guts out again. More than finding that “one soulmate” that I marry and have kids with.
There just has to be more.
But the thing is, like most people, I was taught at school, that this is how life goes. Study hard, get a good job, buy a house, get married, have kids and if you’re lucky you will have enough cash left at the end of it to retire and do a bit of travel when I’m to old to enjoy it as much as I would if I was younger. So this is the problem, I have this nagging voice telling me that’s what you were taught, that’s what you’re supposed to do, that’s what everyone else does. Sure, I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want and I don’t want that.
This brings me to my next problem. I’m lazy, well maybe not lazy as such but I don’t like to try to hard and I expect things I want to come to me without any effort. I smoke cigarettes and weed. I don’t drink to much but my diet is terrible. If it wasn’t for having such a labor intensive job I’d be a fat fuck for sure. My body is strong but not in the condition I’d like it to be in, and my mind is weak. I lack discipline and give up on things easily, or I lose interest and want to move on. My attention span could be compared to a goldfish. But on the plus side I am very self aware. I know my problems but I just don’t do anything about them.
I’ve also had this feeling for as long as I can remember that I don’t fit in. I’ve become very good at appearing like I do to anyone else that notices me. But I know it’s an act. I know people don’t see me as a loser, I’m a reasonably good looking fella, I have friends, I act social, most people tend to like me, I’m nice to other people and I get compliments often. But I don’t believe the compliments, I always think that I’m not good enough, and on the inside I do feel like a loser. Maybe being self aware isn’t a plus side. I just feel like I’m different, while friends are happy to work 60 hours a week to pay for their flashy houses and cars I can’t think of anything worse. And I don’t want children. This is a big one. I’ve had people get angry at me for not wanting to reproduce. “How can you not want kids”, “It’s the circle of life”, “Who will look after you when you’re old”, “Oh you’ll change your mind”, well I’m 37 and I still haven’t changed my mind. But it’s this sort of thing that makes me feel different.
So what now? I’m not sure. I’ve never done this life business before so I’m winging it like everyone else. I’m just going to try my hardest to stop comparing my life to others and to change the things about myself that I’m not happy with. I’m going to do things that makes me smile, that makes me scared, that makes me nervous. I’m going to start living my life. I’m going to stop smoking, stop eating so much shit and cut back on my weed consumption. I’m going to put more effort into looking after my body. I don’t want to stop smoking weed because I love it, but everything in moderation.
How am I going to do this? Well that’s the hard part. Baby steps I think. Baby steps. I’ve tried before, several times, and failed several times. Which only makes me feel worse. But this time I’m sharing it with the world, I’m writing it down, I’m doing what the self help books say to do. I’m going to make up some goals and give myself some direction. And I’m going to log it all right here. So if anyone else out there feels like I do, or even reads this, I’d love to know about your struggles. I know I’m a minority but I’m not alone.