Judgment.

If I could write one word, that explains precisely how relationships are not created or damaged it is the word “judgment”. We quickly judge others, and I am not sure people are willing to stop judging and try making a difference.

I was on a walk the other day, and I saw a neighbor that, based on his demeanor and what I sometimes hear over the fence (not directed at me) that he, is a douchebag. Then I said to myself, how do I even know this? I have never even talked to the man. Stop judging!

In my head, I had already concluded that he was an awful human based on his body language, voice, and how he held himself (and the fact that he does not wave at me when I see him). The truth is that I am an awful human because I have judged him and done the EXACT thing that has happened to me all my life.

I stopped and had the same talk with myself that I have with others I coach. Do not prejudge people. We could miss out on someone who will bring joy and light to our lives. We could be passing up the chance to learn something new about ourselves or something else from one person. I could pass up someone that may be a fantastic dog sitter and my neighbor. Maybe we could pass beer over the fence or something. Who knows, I may never have known if I let myself continue to judge without getting to know him. (I have not gotten to know him yet, by the way).

Why do we spend so much time judging and so little time finding the value that others have to offer?

I had a job in the early 2000s when tattoos were still so taboo but starting to make their way into the workplace. There was an ongoing battle (and still is with some of my clients) that people are scared of tattoos and that people should have to cover them up at work. Our Human Resources team went round and round about one guy who was customer-facing that was decorated with full-body tattoos. He was one of the nicest people I had ever met at the business. But yet, they wanted his tattoos covered up.

I had to share that we judged based on ink on someone’s skin. What if we took a moment and based it on the excellent customer service skills this guy had? Better customer service than those without tattoos. What if we, for once, did not let customers dictate that someone was terrible because of their tattoos? That we start to change the message. That judgment is possibly based on perception and not facts.

Judgment is one of the roots of all evil, and we are quick to do it. Based on appearance, people will think you are this or that. My whole life people have expected I have had it “easy” because of my appearance. I have been fortunate to have a great sense of style and the ability to assemble an outfit. I didn’t ask for this, and it is just something I was given. Why am I being judged for this? Some people got it, and some people did not, I did not do it to you. I just have to say that judging me this way does not give you my true self, the struggles I encounter every day, the discrimination and harassment that I have endured, or the lack of things I do have because of it. Life is not easier on either side of the coin, but we judge others, and we THINK we know the truth. The truth is we never know what others go through or have been through.

Here are some statistics showing how much we judge based on appearance alone. They are astounding and a chance to throw that judgment in the trash and take a gummy to relax a bit!

• Allure conducted a national survey of 2,500 people: 64 percent said that the first thing they notice about someone is how attractive they are. (I am not going to try and say that this is bad, it is really just the way our brains work, but we have a choice to not do this within the first 5 seconds of seeing someone).
• In 2010, 35 percent of people said appearance defined their identity. My narrative: You have lost your mind if you think that what you see on the outside makes your identity. I have met people who are beautiful on the outside but have no sense of well-being or self-respect and are awful (yes, judging). In 2015, that number jumped to 50 percent.
• In addition, 61 percent of men and women think their lives would be better if they were more attractive, 64 percent of people said their appearance has helped them get assistance from a stranger, and 62 percent said it had gotten them better service in a store.
• Almost half of the people polled believe that being better-looking would help them get a promotion. My narrative: Who are these people? If we promote people based on looks and not abilities, then judgment is a bigger problem than I initially started in this article.

If you are promoting because of looks, you have lost your mind. It is time to switch off the part of our brain that likes to judge others and start connecting with people to see who they indeed are. Connect with people and care about WHO people are, not what they look like.

I have been passed by, talked down to, and verbally abused by bosses because of my appearance. Being good-looking (yes, I will call myself a beautiful woman, not out of arrogance, but because I have been told so by my parents) is often a curse (this will be my next article). I will tell you this — I am judged based on my looks, and I am tired of it because inside me is a deep, caring, loving, fun, and caring person, that those that have judged me may never experience.

I have to work much harder to build relationships because people judge what is on the outside before they find out what is on the inside. I have proof of this; search my name under Reanette Fillmer and Chico City Council (I was going to put a link here, but decided not to encourage it). You will see the mean girl who had a half-hour conversation with me one day and regularly wrote horrible, vicious, and untruths about me in her editorials. When I would try to talk to her about the truth, she did not want it. Instead, she wanted to create her narrative based purely on judgment, maybe even jealousy, I have no idea, but in the end, it was a battle based on judgment of who someone thought I was and one-sided truth, some people listened and some didn’t. Thank you to those that didn’t and saw me for who I am, not who she said I was.

I know that women are more judgmental than men. Women like to judge other women. It’s not an amazing sisterhood to do so, we should stop this immediately. Men typically have facts before they dislike another man or even a woman. I say all of this to say these three things:

1. Connection before judgment. Take a moment to connect with someone before you judge them. If you feel initially jealous because they are pretty or dressed cutely, try complimenting them first, and I guarantee they will put themselves down because normally we cannot take a compliment well. Maybe you will be more willing to connect at that point, instead of judge. The compliment will allow the connection.
2. Stop Judging based on appearance. We have yet to learn how difficult the lives of others are based on their appearance. We do not know their struggles. They may be trying to be better than what they are showing on the outside. Try to find the best in people first. Just because one felon has tattoos does not mean everyone is a felon.
3. Take into consideration personality types. We are not all outgoing, boisterous, and courageous enough to put ourselves out there. The quiet beautiful ones are judged the most, often because they are considered stuck up, but they are just quiet (can I get a hand raise here if this is you getting judged for being quiet). Take an extra minute to get to know them first.

Not judging does not mean that there will not be people we do not like in our life. However, if we do not like them, it does not mean we have to ridicule them. Why not just not like them and move on? We do not have to talk, judge and persecute them. We can just not like them. Sometimes someone needs to be a fit for our personality. Only some people are met for each other. And, some people are just evil, and we are entitled to judge — like Charles Manson was a bad person, Ted Bundy worse, and so on. We are talking about simple life.

It’s simple: take a moment, stop judging, and get to know that person you may not have let in just because they are this or that.

Stop judging me — my life has been full of judgment, and believe it or not, it has taken me a long time to understand my truth, and that it is not me, it’s mostly you! I think this will be the name of my first book, Stop Judging Me, It’s Exhausting. What do you think?

Reanette Etzler is a strong, educated woman with a background in executive leadership, human resources, training, speaking, and coaching. For more, follow on any social media platform @cltleadership. Or sign up for weekly blogs and other things. To make my blogs somewhat grammatically correct, I use Grammarlyhttps://grammarly.go2cloud.org/SH3cd!