Allan Wing

The Vatican has committed a sum of $17 billion to its initiative to financially incentivize true moral behavior from its ecclesiastics. The church expects that amount to last about a week.

…has told Vatican aides that he is determined to get on top of the problem and put an end to priests “porking every kid who passes them by. If this doesn’t stop, I swear to Christ, I’m going to pull a Bobbit on every single one of them.”

“Today, in addition to paying cold hard cash to priests, bishops and cardinals who don’t whip out their Johnsons every chance they get, I have also directed our dioceses to only report the names of priests who don’t abuse kids, not the thousands who do,” said a distressed pontiff, speaking from Rome.

“What the fuck do I have to do to get these creeps to stop diddling kids?” asks Pope Francis in Rome. (Credit: www.abc.net.au)

Desperate to change the narrative on a story that has become an existential threat to the Catholic Church, the Vatican announced Thursday that it will start paying bonuses to priests “who can keep their penis in their pants and stop sexually abusing children.”

Desperate to stop the high incidence of clergy sexually abusing children, Vatican will pay responsible priests cold hard cash

…g because their families never had much to begin with,” said Mr. Trump, responding to the backlash, “whereas the very good people who play golf on my course have never experienced the brutal hardship of bone dry greens. There’s really no comparison if you think about it, anyone can see that.”

“Sprinklers, are you f — king kidding me?” exclaimed Senator Chuck Schumer of New York, the Democratic leader, when told of the president’s latest gambit. “What’s next, a national emergency because he can’t find his favorite hair dye on Amazon or the chocolate chip cookies he likes?”

President Trump presented evidence that some of the greens were so dry “you could almost hear the blades of grass screaming for help.” (Credit: www.kcur.org)

President Donald Trump, vacationing in Florida over the weekend, declared a national emergency on Saturday after the sprinklers at his Mar-a-Lago golf course failed to work.