…has told Vatican aides that he is determined to get on top of the problem and put an end to priests “porking every kid who passes them by. If this doesn’t stop, I swear to Christ, I’m going to pull a Bobbit on every single one of them.”
“Today, in addition to paying cold hard cash to priests, bishops and cardinals who don’t whip out their Johnsons every chance they get, I have also directed our dioceses to only report the names of priests who don’t abuse kids, not the thousands who do,” said a distressed pontiff, speaking from Rome.
Desperate to change the narrative on a story that has become an existential threat to the Catholic Church, the Vatican announced Thursday that it will start paying bonuses to priests “who can keep their penis in their pants and stop sexually abusing children.”
…g because their families never had much to begin with,” said Mr. Trump, responding to the backlash, “whereas the very good people who play golf on my course have never experienced the brutal hardship of bone dry greens. There’s really no comparison if you think about it, anyone can see that.”
“Sprinklers, are you f — king kidding me?” exclaimed Senator Chuck Schumer of New York, the Democratic leader, when told of the president’s latest gambit. “What’s next, a national emergency because he can’t find his favorite hair dye on Amazon or the chocolate chip cookies he likes?”