this is a post, hello

This is a series of words that depict how my current state of mind is. I have been feeling completely overwhelmed by the world and mountain of decisions and responsibilities I have in front of me. I am almost 23, I am married, I am a father of a very hilarious 5 month old, I have a dog who seems so stupid in some scenarios and so completely intelligent at others, a cat who is a cat, and a home. On top of that I end up usually working somewhere between 42–50 hours weekly in order to keep up with everything at my job. I guess lately everything just seems so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to begin with my thoughts. I used to be able to write frequently on this personal blog type Medium page, but for the last 7 or 8 months I have felt so uninspired. Which is ridiculous because I have to of the most amazing muses in my whole life, my wife and child. I guess lately the lyric from Modest Mouse has been ringing in my head as a type of anthem lately.
It’s from one of their first studio albums, “Building Nothing out of Something” and the song is my favorite from the album, “Baby Blue Sedan”.
“And it’s hard to be a human being
And it’s harder as anything else
And I’m lonesome when you’re around
And I’m never lonesome when I’m by myself
And I miss you when you’re around”
Before you read too much into that I would like to take a few moments to explain. It probably comes to know one who has briefly read any of my posts or knows me on any type of level, I have depression. I have actually been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. So it’s not hard to feel alone in a room filled with people, no matter how generic that statement may seem. I just feel like, even though this may not be exactly what they meant, Modest Mouse completely shapes this feeling so well in this song. There’s not a lot that I feel can fix this problem except trying to overcome things that cause you to have anxiety or working towards opening up to some people, which seems to be my problem lately.
See, it’s almost been a whole year since I had 17 inches of my bowel taken out and the worst recovery to a bowel surgery I’ve heard of. Well. I mean at least the worst one that didn’t end in death. But it’s true. It was an awful recovery that took over 8 months to finally feel like I had recuperated. But even then, I never have felt like I was the Cameron before surgery. There was a lot of stuff that went down throughout those long 8 months, most of which caused me to alienate the relationships of those whom I adored or looked up to. Most people who before the surgery I would turn to for things that were bothering me, I had now become way too heavily reliant on them for too much. Which once I regained my footing even just a little bit, I found most of my relationships strained, and I especially felt as though I was exposed. So because of all this, I have felt alone and very surface with a lot of my friends and family, if not all of them.
I guess I am sharing this with you, because it’s been almost 5 months since I feel like I actually got my footing back, and I am now just barely feeling like I can actually open up and not hold every thought I have in as to not upset those around me. I don’t know. I feel like things are looking clearer. Don’t let that fool you though, I know that there’s a lot that I have to work on. But I can honestly say that I am feeling for the first time in a while that things are looking up.
