The Accusation

There has been a familiar yet strange tension in the house over the last few days, and I can’t get out of my hamster wheel to address it. He’s purposefully not having fun. He’s glowering. The mood is dark and I am working my ass off to be cheerful and to find things for us to do together and he’s getting darker and he’s turning away food and he’s turning down sex.

Despite seven years of fighting, there has always been sex. He could have a freshly amputated left leg and he would man up and have rocking sex. This is a new level of bad. Something is going to happen. I did something to upset him. I’m getting that prickling, creeping sensation in my feet and in the back of my knees, and that cold, nauseating feeling of dread that always precedes his harsh accusations that are ultimately a litany of my faults.

During the tirade, I was reduced to tears, and I felt frantic, lost and desperate. I admitted that I texted my ex-husband to let him know my grandfather was dying. After the break up of a 20 year marriage, family members that bonded with the ex will miss them and want to continue a relationship. I wanted to be a decent person and allow my family to continue to visit with my ex, and although I am rarely in contact with him, I am fine with him speaking with my family and maintaining friendships, especially since he has no family alive. My current husband hates that idea, and he berates me and belittles me and tells me that I don’t know what a marriage means. That I am betraying him by not hating my ex. I don’t hate my ex-husband. I found someone else I wanted to be with, that’s all. It is devastating that my current husband constantly brings this up, even when it isn’t something that I even think about. I haven’t seen my ex in a long time, and I will probably see him again at my grandpa’s funeral. It is already emotionally difficult enough to deal with the loss of a beloved grandparent, but to have your husband, the one person who should be holding you, now screaming and accusing, it’s just too painful. I am desperate for relief. I can’t keep this up much longer.

Part of my overwhelming feeling of helplessness and fear is what my husband accused me of. He didn’t accuse me of cheating. I would just say that right now, he said that he knows for certain that I have never cheated on him. I am grateful for this because I truly have not, and have no desire. The sex in our relationship is incredibly satisfying, and I don’t want any complications and I enjoy sex with my husband. I enjoy and look forward to it. I feel extremely relieved that I am not having to defend that type of action. However, it is hard to feel better about it in the face of the actual accusation…

This is pretty far-fetched so please bear with me. Some backstory: I haven’t logged into Facebook since December 20, right after some family drama that I managed to stay out of. When the Facebook drama involves 85 year old relatives that are on Facebook, that’s a clear sign that it is time to walk away. I came to the realization that I just don’t want to see any more social whining and political negativity, and I have been happier for it. I rarely think of Facebook, and when someone mentions it, I give a puzzled smile and that’s that.

Evidently I should be more aware of what is happening on The Facebook. I learned from my husband that my ex husband is on Facebook and is suggested as a ‘Facebook Friend’ to him all the time because of other mutual friendships with my sister, my Dad and other relatives. Realize I have zero control over what happens on Facebook, since I do not log in. Facebook can go to hell for all I care. But wait, this gets better. I work from home but a few times a month I have to visit two different office locations to pick up and drop off paperwork. Evidently my ex-husband has his employer listed on Facebook, and it’s in the same complex as one of the satellite offices of my part time job. Ergo, I have conveniently maintained a relationship through this office location. For what it’s worth, I live in a small town and this kind of odd coincidence can happen. This isn’t New York. We have a population of 100,000 and my ex works in a niche market. There are literally two companies he could work for, and he works for one of them. I’ve had this job for 18 months to make ends meet out of necessity, I responded to a Craigs List ad, and got the job during the interview at the South location. I didn’t learn about the North location for a while, and I even saw the music store but I didn’t give it a thought. I walked past it and went to work. I guess I should have seen the music store, guessed that my ex might work there, and immediately quit my job.

So, now I have been screamed at and then promptly forgiven. I am forgiven because he realizes that we both have different ideas of marriage and he can’t have a wife like me, but he wants to stay married because why involve the Government and mess up taxes and we could lose our rental…he had all these reasons to stay married. The sex is good and we have fun together, if we can just be ‘not married’ then he won’t care if I see my ex...or fuck him.

He actually said that. And that is what hurt the most. I never even…it is so painful to divorce, to break up family, to meld with a new person, to get along with their friends and family, to make a new life…when your new husband is bitter and angry and resentful — all while he has me. HE HAS ME. I am with him and I am his and he can’t be happy with that. He has to search the internet to try and find a way that I could possibly be maintaining a relationship. He says I have no respect for him as a husband. And I just cried and begged and screamed and plead and he wouldn’t believe me, he just doesn’t, and it’s so hard for me to bear. This is the heaviest situation I have had to deal with, and it is giving me unbearable depression and anxiety.

I will always be accused and I will always be the only one who knows the truth.

And here I am.