Spacebound

This feeling inside of me, it is still nameless, still formless.

It’s that little voice inside my head
That drives me to think backwards and ahead,
Shouting “shut up!” after every word I say
It disapproves, in every, single way
Insisting that I’ve screwed up, tonight and last night, the past fortnights.

It’s questions, and questions again
And there is just no rest for my brain
It’s when every action and decision comes under scrutiny,
And I could be abandoning my destiny
As I crumble beneath the weight of my own self-doubt, so what was that about?

I wanna shout and cry and scream,
Even as tears fill up my eyes to the brim
And then it all gets suppressed –
My control should color you impressed
Don’t you ever wonder, why you’ve never seen what I’ve hidden under?

It’s me biting back a word,
Or two or three, so just spare the effort
I drew breath to speak them on the next exhale
But then common senses prevail
Whenever I open my mouth even as speech freeze — I just wanted you to notice.

It’s succumbing to brain chemistry
Don’t you rather it remained a mystery?
Just don’t let the voices win
Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin,
Give me more than all, as angels and critics clamber within my empty mental hall.

I fear labeling the nameless,
And giving shape to the formless
So that they can take up a much too defined space,
All the better for them to beat me in a race
’Cause they are in a race where the price is my control and their prize is what I fold.

It’s hearing my heart quicken
To an anxious frantic beat, so stricken
So run yourself into exhaustion
Because I can turn exertion into exhilaration
So escaping is miles better than my heart testing its ability to break free from reality.

It’s having hyperventilation
Suck away all your oxygen
And so you hold your breath to calm its rate
Little knowing that you are soon to suffocate
I see controlling my lack of air, as some sort of dare — remember to handle with care.

Let me spiral
And trust that I will find my revival
But how paradoxical that I am pushing you away,
Though my actions really hold no sway
I am truly so needy that I crave your company, every hour of every day, but i won’t say

I really want you to see me as bubbly and fun-loving
Even as I hope that my personal bubble is expanding
It’s not you, it’s me
Learning how to manage my crazy
Till then, believe the smile on my face and just give me some space.