The Police in Gotham City Are Terrible

Scene: Axis Chemicals. A shootout between police and members of Carl Grissom’s gang has been interrupted by the mysterious masked vigilante known as “Batman.” During this confrontation, Grissom’s chief lieutenant, Jack Napier, falls into a vat of chemical waste. Batman escapes arrest.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: All right, let’s pack it up.

DETECTIVE: Shouldn’t we look for Napier’s body?

CG: No, there’s no way anyone survived that.

D: Yeah, but it’s a crime scene. We should still have his body.

CG: Nah.

Scene: Gotham City Courthouse. Days after the Axis Chemicals shootout, several reputed underworld figures tell reporters that Grissom has signed over his business interests to them. During the news conference, the gangsters are murdered by a group of men, one of them dressed as a mime.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: Ok, what do we know?

DETECTIVE: From what the news cameras picked up, it looks like our “mime” was Jack Napier. I guess he isn’t dead.

CG: Yeah, I guess not.

Scene: Gotham PD headquarters. A figure calling himself “The Joker” has just confessed to tainting dozens of consumer products with a deadly chemical, leading to the deaths of two high-profile models.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: Ok, what do we know?

DETECTIVE: This “Joker” guy is almost certainly our mime from the courthouse steps massacre, and therefore most likely Jack Napier. Should we put out an APB?

CG: I don’t think that’s necessary.

Scene: The Joker’s reign of terror has taken a toll on Gotham, so officials hold a news conference announcing the cancellation of the city’s 250th birthday celebration. But before the mayor can say more than a few words, the Joker interrupts the broadcast with his own announcement: he’ll hold his own parade, where he’ll give away $1 million to the crowd.

DETECTIVE: Ok, this is clearly Jack Napier. He was at the scene of the Axis shootout, he committed one series of murders on camera and confessed to another on TV, and how he’s just told us where he’s going to be. We should arrest him at the parade.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: Let’s just see what he does.

Scene: It’s a few days after the parade. After dumping a load of counterfeit money into the streets, the Joker had attempted to kill the crowd with balloons filled with his “Smilex” gas. Batman shows up to save the day, using the Bat-wing to get the balloons out of the city. A confrontation between Batman and Napier at the city’s cathedral leaves the Joker and two of his henchman dead. With peace more or less restored, city officials unveil a new “Bat-Signal,” designed to summon the costumed vigilante in the event of a new crime wave.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: Yes, if another Joker-like figure should emerge, we need only to rely on Batman.

DETECTIVE: God damn it.

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