Feminism In A Nutshell

Let’s antagonize feminists by making fun of their sexist filth.

I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel men so we can have a frank and spirited conversation about how to behave like good people. Until we have that honest talk, no more football or fart jokes or double bacon cheeseburgers. No more high-fives or fist bumps or boob banter. I’m cancelling video games and comic books and beer pong.

Sexism is defined “prejudice or discrimination based on biological sex” and elsewhere “perpetuating stereotypes about biological sex”. We see John DeVore has a good grasp on the stereotyping of men. If you’re a Feminist already, you’re probably scoffing at my application of a non-Feminist definition of sexism. But if you’re a Feminist, you should probably already be chewing this guy out for his obvious display of Toxic Masculinity. And probably sic Sarkeesian on him for implying video games are only for men.

If you’re in the locker room, do what you’re supposed to do in the locker room. Change into your short shorts.

Wow, reading this article made me forget entirely about where I was and what I was doing. Thank you, DeVore! Punctuating your writing with such practicalities makes you highly credible.

I’m pulling this car over.

Good, you shouldn’t be writing while you’re driving. You might put girls or women at risk.

I don’t want to do this. But it’s time we have a talk. Man to men. It’s become clear that we men cannot emotionally handle the fact that we are flawed, imperfect and selfish human beings who don’t like it when shit changes. It’s natural to panic when shit changes. But we’re beyond Xanax right now.

Are you five years old, DeVore? Because that’s who you seem to be talking about when you say ‘we’. I know you also say ‘men’, so maybe you’re also implicating the adult males (and adult trans men) who rely on things like Xanax to get through daily life. But you shouldn’t be insulting them like this, anxiety is a serious issue that has a lot of stigma attached to it.

So do me a favor: Spare me the boy noise about biology. Your arguments are not convincing. While we’re on the topic of ground rules: “Man cards” are not personalities. “Man caves” are tombs. You are not oppressed by women.

Boy noise? Biology is a fascinating and complex area of Scientific research. How about you do yourself a favour and wake up to the fact that women do science too, you sexist prat. I also know there are MGTOW that will agree with you about ‘man caves’. Just pointing it out. Women aren’t oppressed by men, either. Wow, all these empty assertions and my head is already spinning. I’d better move on.

There is no such thing as alpha dogs or beta-males. What nonsense. Pure argle-bargle. It’s a simpler binary: there are people who want to be better, and people too afraid to give it a whirl. There is no ambition or originality in becoming that which you fear.

You know, I thought the same thing. I thought there were alpha-males and beta dogs, but I’m starting to rethink that. It’s probably actually alphabets and male dogs. I’ll be the first to admit that the nuance probably goes even deeper than that.

Have you been rejected? I am sorry, your highness, but we do not always get that which we want. Perhaps, at work, there is a rival for authority who is not a man. Well, warrior, accept the challenge! Has a beloved cultural artifact from your youth been vandalized to appeal to someone who is not you? What a lovely life it is, indeed, if such a thing is the greatest crime committed against you. Are we done? Good.

Ya know, I’m getting that ol’ stereotyping vibe again. Right after you said there were no alfalfa-puppy-mail-beats, too. But which one is it, are men supposed to be standoffish or aren’t they? You’re right, though, things could be worse. I could be you.

Yes, of course, men have done many excellent things. But that’s not what we’re talking about right now. Please don’t bore me. Also: don’t whine or complain. I can’t abide a sniveler.

Thanks for admitting that, I know it’s tough for you feminists to take time away from your paranoia about the Patriarchy Conspiracy to come back to reality. Maybe next time it will last longer than one sentence next time. But can you get to the point? What are we talking about right now, if it’s not all your whiny feminist complaints?

So what qualifies me to cancel men? What are my bone fides? Ask your mom.

Oh, right, that whole ‘cancelling men’ thing. You really shouldn’t use that, “your mother knows me because we had sexual intercourse.” thing, I’ve heard it’s part of the White-Supremacist-Cis-Heteronormative-Racist-Sexist-Patriarchy.

Seriously. Ask her if she’s ever been dismissed by a man. Sit her down and look in her eyes and ask her if a man has ever sneered at her. I bet, if you really want to know, and I mean really want to know, she’ll tell you, casually, about the things men do that men do not see. Because we don’t have to see what we don’t want to see. It’s the most sublime gift we have given ourselves. The ability to enjoy power and ignore the wreckage.

Wait, your standard is ‘no woman should ever be dismissed/sneered at by any man’? So if you weren’t a blatant hypocrite, you’d have to apply the same standard in the reverse. QED Matriarchy! I guess you were wrong about that whole, “you are not oppressed by women.” thing. It’s probably because you don’t have to see what you don’t want to see, that sublime gift.

But, you know, you shouldn’t have to have a mother, or a daughter, or a sister to know that when somebody asks for “help” you don’t respond with “well, actually…” You help them because that’s the decent thing to do.

Well, actually, it depends on who is asking, when they ask it, how they ask it, and what they think help means. Like right now, how you’re being a disgusting, entitled, bossy buttmunch in the name of ‘helping’ women. If a feminist ever asked for help, provided it wasn’t for some tomfoolery like #killingallmen, maybe more people would offer assistance. But since that has literally never happened, I have no clue as to what would actually happen.

I’m a man, just like you. A member of the dominant power caste of our civilization. This is a fact that is evident. You think it was a government of women who carved the faces of four men into the side of a mountain?

I’m going to have to differ with you on that one, DeVore. You may be a human male, just like me, but you aren’t a man. You can become a man if you do manly things, but why not just enjoy your childhood while it lasts? Maybe in a decade when you’re 15 you can start to worry about all that.

I don’t think it was a government of women, but I know it could have been a government of women. The faces carved into Mt. Rushmore represent admiration for those mens’ accomplishments. I don’t have to be a woman to admire things women have done. And these days we have a government of men and women, with no law giving men power or preventing women from getting power. That’s pretty feminist-sexist though, since it gives men the option to not vote for women.

Allow me to quote the great Western philosopher, Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben: with great power comes great responsibility. Yes. You have power. Yes. Yes you do. Maybe not as much as you want, but you got it. Yes. Shut-up. Being human is tough. We struggle. This is our lot. But men struggle just a little less than people who were not lucky enough to win the gender lottery. Stop screaming. This is important.

Oh, more assertions. What power do I have that I would not if I were a woman? The power to urinate through my erogenous organ? Wow, such insight. If you had just put it that way all along, you could have converted EVERYONE to your little religion a lot sooner. I’ll just take back everything I’ve ever said about you charlatans, since now I’m one of you.

We have to be better.

Better than? Better at? What do you mean by ‘better’? Better doesn’t mean anything on its own. Everyone has their own idea of what would be better. Some people think anchovies on pizza are the bee’s knees, others think it would be better if those people were shot to death. Please, be specific.

Here’s a refresher on being a good person: do unto other’s as you would have them do unto you. I paid attention in bible study! This is so basic, dudes. You learned this in kindergarten. Get it together. It’s embarrassing that I even have to mansplain this.

I guess you missed the part of bible study where you were told that rape-victims should be murdered if they didn’t cry out, or where a daughter’s word must be overruled by her father, or where women shouldn’t teach men, or… shall I go on? I’m a bit confused, how can you be mansplaining if mansplaining is ‘a man explains something to a woman’? You are not a man, and we are not women.

But just for a moment, consider what taking that position means. If you want to not be a hypocrite, then that means you want other people to act like a macho, domineering slimefink to you. Maybe I’ll do that next time, since you’re asking for it.

I’m going to assume SOME of you have positive father figures in your life, but just in case you don’t, let’s go over some other good person fundamentals. First, one needs to be honest with oneself. Know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. Second, one needs to be able to take responsibility for their words and actions. Own your shit, bros.

Well, we all know what they say about assumption: it makes an ass out of you. Thing is, when one knows the Truth, one needs not make assumptions. What shit are the bros supposed to own? I mean, it doesn’t affect me, but what are they supposed to own?

There are people in your life who are asking you to listen. Because, pal, I can assure you that, in your life, you have been heard.

I’ve got a paradox for you to sort out: how, if we aren’t listening, is asking for us to listen supposed to work? There’s certainly the hear-listen dichotomy to help you out, but perhaps you just don’t understand. I listen quite well, I just disagree with your Feminist assumptions, confirmation bias, and manners. To you, ‘asking’ means screeching, (and I quote here Big Red) “I’m reading, fuckface.” You’re not a shining paragon yourself, either.

Listen to them. Believe them. It is implausible that the stories you’d hear are the result of a complicated gender conspiracy. What’s more likely is that you don’t realize your advantages and it hurts your widdle ego to be told that. Use your imagination and walk a mile in someone’s uncomfortable high heels. It’s not that hard to do, to crawl out of one’s own butt.

Okay, I’ll just be credulous then. Once I was told that the Illuminati’s HQ is under Denver International Airport. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED! But seriously, on the subject of Feminism, I don’t need to posit some, “complicated gender conspiracy.” All I need is a little knowledge about the human psyche. According to Anita Sarkeesian, “everything is sexist, everything is racist, everything is homophobic.” It’s not hard to see that if you start off with that, confirmation bias is only going to make you loathe everything, and loath to participate productively. And since that sort of nonsense gets rewarded with status, money, and the credulity of the UN, it’s not hard to see why there are a lot of feminists.

Here’s something else that may be uncomfortable: there are men, especially in the dark safe spaces of the internet, who dispute that “rape culture” exists and I agree with them. What many call “rape culture” I just call “culture.” So that’s something you can chew on while you’re in time out.

Sorry, DeVore, but I’m not in time out. I’m in the locker room, remember? Time out is where you’ll be going when Teacher finds out you escaped and went on a joyride in the principal’s car. I’m not uncomfortable that you’re paranoid and delusional, I’m uncomfortable knowing our Kindergartens aren’t keeping the public safe.

And, once you’ve had a good think, go write the following on the chalkboard 100 times: “women are not supporting characters in the movie of my life, or toys in my sandbox, or cuts of meat for my grill.”

Okay, but it’s going to take me a while to get to the bottom of apple-maple-beech-douglasfirs.

Good job, so far. Shhhh. Now look to your left, and look to your right. One of you has probably made a woman feel afraid. I just can’t let you go through your relatively charmed life thinking you’re a good person if you’re cool with that.

I’m not, “cool with that,” I think women should have some more backbone. Feminism isn’t helping by portraying all men as rapists and all women as victims. This is why I’m against Feminism in its modern form.

Take a knee: I’m not censoring you. I’m not the thought police. You’re probably angry right now. Good. You’re angry because you can’t control the truth that we’ve had a nice, long run but the time has come to admit we can’t do it all ourselves, for ourselves, and not be, frankly, runaway hysterical assholes.

Quoth DeVore, “Shut up… I’m not censoring you.” It’s a good thing you aren’t the thought police, you’d probably get fired in a jiffy for thinking I’m angry. I’m not angry, but if I were it would be because a noxious, noisome twerp like you was self-righteously commanding me to not be the person I’m already not. But since I’m a man, I recognize that ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ You’d probably have learnt that by now if you weren’t ditching all the time to steal cars and write (literally) runaway hysterical asshole essays.

Let me explain some things to you, now, very simply because some of you are so brittle that simple is the only way I can hope to get you to comprehend some things: I’m not above this criticism. I am a man. I have made sexist jokes. I have made more money because of my gender, and science told me that. I have bragged about sexual conquest, especially when those conquests were insecure invention. I have luxuriated in my privilege.

Not being above the double-standard of criticism called Feminism is rather sad. It sets the bar pretty low in terms of rigorous analysis, logical reasoning, problem solving, and general comportment. If you can’t get over that hurdle, maybe you should cut your losses and go home. I’m just going to repeat this until it gets through that thick skull of yours, you are not a man. There’s no reason to be insecure about fictitious sexual conquests, five year olds shouldn’t have sexual conquests in the first place.

All I can do is open my heart. Listen. Make amends. Evolve. Check in and confirm and confront my biases as best I can. I am trying. So can you. Man up. Then I’ll think about allowing you to thwack each other with towels again.

No, you can do more than that. You can get off your high-horse, admit when you’re wrong—or at least make cogent arguments for why you believe you’re right—and practice what you preach.

If you’re a feminist reading this, please refer me to where any of you has ever asked sincerely for help; not passive-aggressively, not self-righteously, not outright aggressively, not misandrously, none of that. I don’t think you can, because I have never seen it. All I see is stuff like what DeVore writes, and I am not impressed.