Briefly Lost, Quickly Found.
I like myself. I like how I look, how I think (usually), how I operate etc. I like the way I stream my thoughts, work out things logically, and am brave enough to do things without worrying. But somewhere along the time span of the last year I lost that. I changed a lot of me to cater to someone. Every fashion choice, action, flick of da wrist was timed and curated so he would be happy and I would feel embarrassed. How the fuck did this happen?
I was talking to a really good friend tonight about my recent break-up. I spoke about the relationship and she offered insight until I mentioned a conclusion that I had hit:
He wants someone who isn’t me. But I don’t want to be what he wants. I like who I am. I’m effeminate, and I’m proud, and I like wearing long cardigans, and being cute, and being less masculine, and all the things that I am. Why is this bothering me? I liked who I was before him and I should now. Why would I change? If he says he wants someone masc and I’m not that, why do I care? I don’t even want to be that.
Honestly, I don’t get it myself. It’s been 21 years of going strong and disregarding assholes who picked holes at me for what I did and who I am and I was letting some guy who literally let me go get me down? Am i concussed?
I am not going to feel bad. I am not going to ask what was wrong with me and get answers like “you’re not manly.” FUUUUuuuuUuuck you. I’m funny and I’m fashionable. And I can cook. And sometimes I’m a little abrasive, but I like that (mostly). I like myself and I like how I act and how I treat people and all the things that come with me and my values.
So i’m not going to try to be more masc because some douche says so. I’m not going to try and do things to win anyone over that seem beyond something I’m actually interested in. I’m not going to pretend to like shit I hate. I like who I am and what I like and how I am.
Why did I ever let myself put up with anyone who didn’t like the real me?