Our Last Conversation

We spoke on Tuesday, August 9th, until 2:10am. We had broken up on June 27th. Our conversation turned from helpful-to-friendly-to-aggressive in a matter of 2 hours. I messaged him initially at midnight regarding a run-in with my roommate to which she said he was dismissive.

“hey,” I said, “If you’re so hurt by her not being your friend, say hi when she says hi to you.” He responded by telling me how he had believed she hated him due to things I had previously said. “No,” I lied, “she was rooting for you, she waved to be friendly.” I was still lying through my teeth to make you feel better.

I don’t know why I did it. I think I thought if you could be friendly with my roommate, that you’d be friendly with me, and that you’d come back to me. She was what hurt you when we broke up. So she was the link in my mind. This is my naivety.

I made up an issue to continue our conversation. I told him about how I had lost my executive position at work and I had a bad review. Truth — I had a bad review. Lie — I lost my position at work. He agreed to speak and we talked about it via phone. He was really supportive at first. “It’s okay, you can succeed anywhere you go!” Until it didn’t. “Honestly, your title isn’t impressing anyone. You’re 21. If I met you and you were like ‘I work as an overseer at Saks’ I’d be like ‘fuck you.’ But if you were like ‘hey, I work at EB Games’ I’d be like ‘That’s so cool!’”

I remember thinking of this as friendly advice. I thought about quitting the next day. I thought about quitting my job a lot because he told me to. That I didn’t seem happy and that it didn’t seem worth it. The thing is, if it wasn’t a constant to him, it couldn’t have a constant result. If you’re not happy always, it’s not always worth it.

This was followed by moderately friendly conversation until I opened pandora’s box.

“So I saw you on that date a while back.. why did you tell me you weren’t gonna see him anymore?”
“ I don’t know, I thought you’d want to know.”
“Why’d you stop seeing him?”
“ I just didn’t want to anymore. He kept asking to hangout and I kept making excuses until he stopped asking.”
“ Did you kiss?”
“Yeah.”
Fuck.
“Did you hook up?”
“There was heavy petting.”
Fuckfuckfuck.
“Did he give you head?”
“Yeah.”
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I still remember the feeling I got. My head felt hot and I kept groaning and I felt sick. He told me that I was better at head and I remember asking silly questions like “where and when.” It didn’t matter.

In that moment, I remember feeling set back. We hadn’t spoken in a week or two and I had been feeling really good about myself but that moment set me back. It was my fault of course, asking those questions, but it hurt. Everything that I was hoping for did not matter anymore.

After this he got pretty pissed. A lot of “I’m not doing this,” and getting angry. He informed me that he threw away a picture of us I asked for because he could “do what he wanted.”

“What are you looking for?”
“ I’m looking for someone who identifies as a guy. You always say you have some ‘time of the month’ or are moody and it’s so annoying. Also when you were telling me about the book ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ I was like oh my god you’re a guy. Get it through. You’re technically from Mars so like stop.”

That was when I let go. Twenty-one years strong of being who I am and I could see a bully a mile away. I felt him attack my character in a way that I had seen before and I was fucking done. In the moment, I didn’t realize it. I remember the feelings still — hurt, desperate to keep talking even though it stung, feeling betrayed and dejected. I kept trying to keep the conversation.

But that was total fucking bullshit. I don’t know who that person is. The person he used to be used to get bullied. He used to cherish character and he used to assure me that he liked those parts of me. He hated hookup culture and he didn’t need these hookups to feel gratification. He used to care about his friendships and people. He used to value work ethic.

But that person is dead.

I don’t know who I spoke to on August 9th. But I will never talk to that person again.

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