Self Compassion: A Desperately Needed Act of Rebellion

A little over a year ago I wrote an article called “I don’t like myself and neither do you” where I explained I knew very few people who genuinely accepted themselves and that this lack of self compassion was at the root of many of our societal problems. The way forward was clear to me:

To reclaim our agency by accepting ourselves unconditionally in a culture doing its best to keep us hating ourselves is a desperately needed act of rebellion.

The trouble was I had no idea where to start.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Self-care seemed like a logical place to begin. Exercise, meditation, gratitude, nutrition, community, friendship, art, time in nature, acts of service/generosity, and spending fewer hours at work — all of these things helped but they didn’t change the fundamental nature of my relationship with myself.

I needed to change the way I related to myself or, should I say, my selves. I’ve come to learn that there lives within me a community of selves* each with their own individual needs and talents.

For example, there’s the protector self who is super skilled at alerting me to potential dangers, taking control of situations and solving problems. He needs to feel safe by being reassured I will do my best to avoid pain and death and in turn he needs to accept that pain and death are an inevitable fact of life.

The protector can often be found hanging out with the learner self who is always trying to understand the world and help me improve. He believes if he can know everything the protector self will be better equipped to solve problems and control the situation.

There is also the ferocious self who sticks up for my needs and helps me avoid being used/manipulated. He is nicely balanced out by the nurturer and people-pleaser selves who want to make sure everyone else’s needs are met and everyone gets along.

There are scores of other selves each with their own superpowers and needs and their own relationships with other selves. It can get quite noisy in there as I’m sure you can imagine!

So what does all this have to do with self compassion?

A year ago my relationship with my selves was either hostile or non-existent. I denied I had a ferocious self because I hated the way I had seen power misused by others. I loathed the protector self because he constantly pestered me with false alarms about non-existent threats. And my learner self tortured me with self-recrimination over mistakes and shortcomings.

To accept myself I had to learn to accept all my selves, especially the ones I had disowned. I had to shift the way I related to them by listening deeply to their needs, doing my best to meet the needs and calling on their super powers when appropriate.

For example when my protector self spots a threat, instead of ignoring him I acknowledge that he is feeling threatened and thank him for doing his best to protect me. I assess the threat from a calm place and if it is a false alarm I let him know without judgement. This makes the protector feel heard and accepted and reduces the likelihood of more false alarms.

It sounds kinda crazy right? We’ve been taught that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. And I admit at first it did feel really weird and a little bit disturbing at times. And it still takes a lot of work. My hunch is that the more I practice compassionate dialogue with my selves the less dialogue will be required.

Ultimately our inner selves are like other people — all they want is to be truly seen, heard and loved.

The really cool thing is that as I’ve been practicing welcoming or integrating “unlovable” aspects of myself I’ve found it easier to welcome these aspects in others and uncover their unique superpowers.

It seems this acceptance of the “shadow” or “darkness” in others and new appreciation for their gifts is creating a doorway into my heart. A subtle opening towards strangers and a deepening of my connection with old friends and family.

It’s only the beginning of a lifelong journey but I think I’ve finally found my path.

*I’d like to acknowledge that much of what I learned this year came from my participation in Groupwork Institute’s Advanced Diploma of Facilitation. The approach I describe above is known as the “community of selves” model. It’s a life-changing program for those interested in taking their facilitation skills to the next level.