TRUMP VISITS CANADIAN BORDER, PROPOSES GIANT ICE WALL

CALLS CANADIANS “SYRUP ADDICTS”, “SNOW MONKEYS” AND “ASSASSINS”

Friday, July 24 2015 Written by Staff at The Daily Poutine

LeSPEEDO, MAINE — Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited the border town of LeSpeedo, Maine yesterday to talk about the perils of illegal immigration coming from North of the Canadian border.

“Despite the great danger of frostbite,” he said he was putting himself in “harm’s way” to visit LeSpeedo. Trump said he would not rest until “a giant, humungous wall of ice, kind of like the giant, humungous one you see on Game of Thrones,” was erected all along the Canadian border to “keep out the Wildings of Saskatoon” or any of the other warring clans who “want to get across our border to enjoy the American way of life.” When asked who would pay for the giant ice barricade Trump said, “well, the Queen of Canada, of course!”

From the moment he landed on an icy knoll on the south bank of the St. Lawrence wearing a bespoke snowsuit and a white “Make America Great Again/Blame Canada” baseball cap, Trump made one point clear time and time again, “Canadians are dangerous” he said. “They are drug addicts, assassins and criminals. Plain and simple. And I say this because it is accurate. The Mayor of Ontario I am told smokes crack. And everywhere you turn up there someone is pretty much mainlining maple syrup. We need to keep that sugary sweet stuff away from our borders!”

Asked to back up last week’s assertion that all Canadians are “assassins” Trump didn’t skip a beat. “I am told that Seth Rogen played an assassin recently in that movie the Interview. And I tell you it takes real life experience to play a killer so well.”

But wasn’t Trump insulting the people of LeSpeedo, many of whom are descendants of undocumented Canadian workers who left Canada for Maine so they could enjoy America’s slightly warmer weather and lack of proper health care? “Listen,” said Trump. “I don’t mean to insult any of you. I like Canada. I love the Canadian people and I even have a few Canadian friends like Alan Thicke and Alex Trebek. SOME Canadians are good people. Alan and Alex and I love to catch the odd LaCrocky game together, for instance, and crack a few beers. BUT you have people coming across this border from all of the three Canadian provinces. All three of them!!! And many of them don’t even speak American English! They speak Canadian English and some of them, like Celine Dion, speak something that sounds sort of like French! And they eat things like poutine and ketchup chips and other weird food stuffs that are WEAKENING the very fabric of our Great American Fast Food Nation! And I’m sorry, but that’s bad. That’s really, really bad.”

After putting his hand to his heart and singing a rousing rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner, Trump made his final plea: “Help me to make America great again,” he said. “Blame Canada! Trump 2016!!!”

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